Treading Water

20 Jul

I look around, and people seem so content to be going about their days full of busyness and interaction. For me, life has seemed painful to say the least. It is like I was yanked out of a life filled with beauty and wonder and dropped into a hostile world that wanted little to do with me, and have spent every day since longing to go back to a place I can barely remember.

Have you ever spent time in a daycare, or in a kindergarten classroom at the beginning of the year? You will see the differences in people displayed in the young faces before you. Some enter the room full of joy and excitement, thankful to be with their friends once more. Some are happy and content, though you know they would be just so if they had remained at home. Others enter reluctantly, but soon join in the play. Still others enter crying, wishing they had remained at home. The adults come in with their soothing voices, and their games and toys, to try and calm the child and ease their pain. Eventually they too will settle and accept life in the way it is fed to them.

Occasionally you also will see those children who cannot be deterred with toys, games, and soothing voices. They see through the lies, and know that this is not what they want out of life. They want so much to go home that nothing can content them. At the end of the day, they are still crying as hard as they were at the beginning. In time, the adults and other children will learn to ignore the tears – they have learned that they cannot help the child. In time, the child will stop looking to others for help – she has learned that they do not understand, and cannot give her what she desperately needs. In time, the tears of the child will dry, but the pain inside will silently grow.

How is it that some people live their lives full of blessings and hope, while others live lives of pain and sadness? Is it our personalities that determine what we will live through, and what we will become? Or is it our experiences that determine our personalities? My life is a reflection of that last child – a constant ache of desperation to make my way home that has been present within my heart and mind for as long as I can remember.

So I watch other people with wonder at how they can find contentment in the things they do, and in the people they meet. Don’t they realize how far from home we really are?

As for me, I continue to wake up every day, forcing myself to seek out some project or some piece of beauty to help me make it through another moment in this world. Understand, however, when I am moving through from one idea to another, and failing time and again, that it is all I can do to stay afloat. Please do not judge me for it. I am merely treading water as I await my rescuer who will finally bring me to that place I have always wanted to go – home.

This is what living with undiagnosed Autism in a world built for neurotypicals has meant to me.


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9 responses to “Treading Water

  1. David Snape

    August 17, 2015 at 8:27 am

    Reblogged this on David Snape and Friends.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ladyofroyalhorses

    August 17, 2015 at 11:13 am

    Oh, thank you so much for writing and posting this! I can relate to it so much!!


  3. ladyofroyalhorses

    August 17, 2015 at 11:14 am

    Reblogged this on Appalachian aspie part two. and commented:
    I can relate so much to this article!


  4. avwalters

    August 17, 2015 at 1:17 pm

    Stop waiting for it. Be your own rescuer. Even neurotypicals endure the feelings you’re sharing. Pursue the interests that fuel you–and see what happens.


    • Walkinfaith925

      August 24, 2015 at 2:32 pm

      There is the challenge. I have pursued many of the interests that fuel me, so much that I have few left, and have burnt out and failed every time. While it may sound like feelings neurtotypicals have, it is so much more. Where they go through and succeed, I fail. It isn’t from lack of trying.

      Life is harder for us, and it isn’t fair to downplay that as many of us have fought our whole lived to just be accepted as normal, and failed along the way.

      Please note that I wrote this just a couple of months after a failed adoption (we had the children for 3 years) and at the time, I didn’t know I had autism. I added that last line when I posted on this blog.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. avwalters

    August 24, 2015 at 4:04 pm

    I empathize with your feeling of failure. Life is harder than if you are neurotypical–but you also may believe that others are succeeding, when you are not. Everyone experiences failures–almost nobody advertises their failures. The hardest (and most rewarding) thing about failure is to try to learn from it. I am really sorry about the failed adoption–as one who could never have children, I can really understand how painful that would be, especially after spending years with the children. Though I am not on the spectrum, my family is riddled with learning disabilities and mild autism. I understand the struggles. Perhaps, instead of struggling to be accepted as normal, you should aim for being accepted for who you are. Mostly, I know that there is no rescuer. Waiting for one may lead to a lifetime of disappointment. Building personal satisfaction into the small steps of life builds the patterns that lead to happiness–which is the ultimate measure of success. Good luck.


    • Walkinfaith925

      August 24, 2015 at 6:31 pm

      Oh okay. I think I understand the confusion – the rescuer I am talking about is not a person. This is my faith, and the one I am waiting for is coming. This I know.


  6. avwalters

    August 24, 2015 at 7:27 pm

    Ah! I did not understand. Good. Let your faith carry you. In God’s eyes, you are perfect–you must learn to see with that in mind.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Under the Guise of Glitter

    August 26, 2015 at 4:10 am

    You bring tears to my eyes as I sometimes watch my own diagnosed child go through the samebthing. And as a person with various mental health problems I’ve found those situations part of my life as well. But know you are amazing and a well spoken writer. I believe in you

    Liked by 1 person


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