In the mornings now I wake up and think of all of the things that I have to do.
Today I will:
- clean the kitchen and bathrooms
- sweep the floors like I do most days now
- do a couple of loads of laundry
- I should vacuum the master bedroom and rec room (if I can talk myself into cleaning out the vacuum canister that is full of spiders from cleaning the workshop the other day)
- write a blog post or two
- practice playing my keyboard
- work on my book (I am now typing corrections and additions into the computer)
- maybe I will wash the floors, too.
I think of all of these things that I have to do, and I am content with my life. I didn’t choose to be off of work – I was told it was necessary. It is a good lifestyle for me, though.
By 11am I have one load of laundry in the washer, the other is hanging on the line. I am still debating about the vacuuming – I don’t like spiders. The rest of my cleaning is done, and I am working on my blog. I look around my house, and it is clean. It calms me. I don’t have to block out my environment like I had to when I was working, and too stressed and burnt out to take care of my house, too. I am happy here.
I look forward to my planned activities for the afternoon. There is so much to learn, and to do! Life is interesting. I can feel my depression and anxiety lifting each day that I am home.
Considering the fall I think, for perhaps the first time, that I could handle hosting life group in my home. It is clean. I can keep it clean. Maybe I can do that. Maybe I would even bake desserts to share with people when they come. Maybe I can!
Somehow I have to find a way to contribute financially to my family. I really don’t want to go back to work. I am happy here, doing what I am doing. But I need the income. It is a battle. I love writing this blog, and working on my book. I want these things to be shared. To get some money from them would be nice, but I know that for me, I have to write for a better purpose. I would rather it not become something I had to do for the money, but could continue to be something I want to do because I have so much to share.
Maybe I could learn to garden, and grow more than pumpkins and sunflowers. I could learn to can and dehydrate the food that I grow, to lessen our food costs through the year. Maybe I could do that – but it wouldn’t be enough.
I try to remind myself that God brought me here. I didn’t ask for it, but I sure did pray for it. If God brought me here, He can also provide for me to be able to stay. I try to trust in Him. Faith is hard! It isn’t something that just comes, and we walk pleasantly along, never worrying about anything. Faith is a lot of work, and needs to be strengthened moment by moment, day by day.
There are many fears that come from being here, but not like the ones I have from going to work. I could live like this. I could thrive here. My hope is that I will be able to stay.