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Autism: Fixations and Blindness

01 Aug

So shines through the greatest struggle that Autism brings to me: fixations and blindness.

It shows in my posts that focus over and over on the same subjects.

It comes through my prayers that repeat the same fears.

It is heavy on my mind when all else is clouded by anxiety.

It travels on my voice as I try to speak.

There is no escape, it is there when I wake.

I cannot turn away, it is there when I sleep.

These fears that bind me.

These thoughts that ensnare me.

These words that repeat… repeat… repeat

How will you survive?

What can you do?

Where will you work?

I need my mom.

I need my mom.

I NEED my mom!

I need You, Lord.

Please help me.

Please help me.

Please take me home,

I can’t do this anymore.

It is all too much… too much… too much.

I cannot breathe.

I cannot think.

An idea comes,

And I forget…

Forget all I am unable to do.

I can do this – for a moment, I think.

Blindness sets in.

I cannot see

Who I am.

I can do this!

With excitement I shout,

But the words are empty.

Soon I remember

All of the years.

I know if I fight,

Still I will lose.

I cannot do this.

What was I thinking?

I have forgotten for a moment,

The fear of leaving home.

The panic of going to work.

The burn-out that comes so fast.

I have forgotten why I was told to stay home.

I can’t do this.

I can’t.

The fear returns.

What will I do?

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