This blog was not meant to be filled with negative, depressive thoughts. That is not what I have come to write, though I admit that has been what has been coming across lately.
At the same time, I must be real. I think whatever else we are, it is important to be real. For so long in my life, I have felt alone; as if I were the only person on the planet to feel like they didn’t belong. I would look at the rest of the population, and see them laughing and interacting, and there I was – not fitting in.
If I can be real, and get this message out – not in a way that seeks pity, that is not what I am here for – perhaps I can help others to know that they are not alone. Perhaps I can help others to understand what it is like to be autistic, from an internal perspective.
So I share the deepest, most painful, most anxious parts of me, hoping to reach out to another. To form a connection that helps to keep them afloat, though it appears at times that I am sinking.
I am always afraid, but I am not always so depressed. Hope is always there, even in my darkest moments, if I can just get past those few hours of despair. Faith, as I have mentioned, is hard work. My belief never falters, but in my worst moments, when I feel absolutely ugly, useless, and abandoned, I face the overwhelming question of whether God truly wants me at all. That hurts. I won’t deny it. But I am reminded, as God lifts me from despair, that the enemy uses lies fed by our weaknesses and fears, to hold us down.
My hope is that as I continue to write, and continue to share my weaknesses, God’s hand in my life will shine through. That glory be given to Him, and that all will see that while I may have felt alone, I have never truly been alone.