The day is dark and rainy; rain that was very much needed. The sky is filled with smoke from the many forest fires in our area. It has been a dry year. Cooler weather means windows can be left open, and the air conditioner doesn’t need to be used. Looking forward to fall – comfortable pants, warm sweaters, fires in the fire place, pumpkin stew… I love the fall.
I know we need the rain, but these days are hard on me. The darkness and the pressure give me headaches. I am always tired, reflective, and slow to react on dark days.
My son, on the other hand (who also likely has Aspergers) prefers the darkness. It is the sun and heat that cause him to have the headaches.
So different, yet so much the same. Same fears. Same responses to crowds. Same challenges with connections. Different desires. Same rigid, inflexible nature. Different routines. Same struggles with school and motivation. Same struggles with perfectionism within ourselves. Different areas of concern. Same extremes of sensory issues. Different causes.
He is logical and realistic. I am idealistic, and battle that reality. I wanted lots of children. He wants none… I guess that is the difference between being logical and being idealistic. He accepts himself for who he is, I strive towards who I “should” have been. Maybe he’ll be more content – but his struggles are very much the same.
It is a dark day, and I am reflective. Hard to be motivated, but I got enough done. Perseverating. A word I learned when I had my foster children, who all had high special needs. Filled out paperwork – a good thing – but couldn’t stop when I got tired and achy. Researched little thoughts online for hours at a time. Struggled to get up for lunch; struggled to get up from lunch. Struggled to get into the shower; struggled to get out of the shower.
Perseverating. Difficult to move from one thing to the next. Stuck, fixated, and reflective. It happens a lot. This is who I am.