They say that people with Autism aren’t able to feel empathy. I don’t believe it. If anything, I have too much. It overwhelms me. I see the world. I know there is good in it – but I also see the evil, and it hurts. It hurts so much, and I wonder how people can move forward and enjoy life in a world with so much pain. Empathy. But I guess that is a post for another day.
It was something that I had always wanted to do. Maybe it had to do with growing up with “Annie”, and wanting to adopt the little girl, Molly, who was likely older than me. Perhaps it was because my childhood was so hard, and I wanted to stop some other child from going through life feeling as lost as I was. It could have been my way of trying to gain meaning for my struggles, and a reason to stay, when I so much wanted to leave this world.
Probably it was a lot of all of them, and very likely it was the wrong reason to adopt. But why do people choose to adopt, really? We see that the world is not really kind, and the children… the children can’t fight for themselves. We know that pain – or maybe other people imagine they know what it would be like – and we feel that we must do something to help.
When you see something is wrong with the world (and there is so much that is wrong with this world) how do you turn away from helping? And that is where I found myself. If I could do something, how could I not do it?
At the time, I had my son. True, my husband and I could not have more children, but there was my boy. I was also running a daycare, and was surrounded by little children a lot of the time. The children were happy in my care. I enjoyed the work. It wasn’t like my desire to be a mother wasn’t met in some way; but I still felt this strong call to do more.
It was hard to gather the words to speak to my husband. The connections between thoughts and spoken words were still hard to form – but this was something I felt I had to ask. Writing the words wouldn’t have been enough. I had to ask him, and so I did.
Despite how things turned out, I am still thankful he agreed. These days my son is grown. My daycare was closed for the adoption. My confidence in working with children is low. My fear of people is high. But I am still thankful he agreed.
The next day I picked up the phone. I am so much more afraid of phones now, but that came later. I picked up the phone, had the information sent to me, signed up for the pre-adoption classes, and dreamed of who my children would be.
That was the beginning. So full of hope and fear. Oh, to go back to those days.