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Autism – On Trying to Understand Society

04 Sep

Yesterday I walked past my husband’s computer as he was checking his email. I noticed that his inbox was filled up with my blog posts, and wondered if I was possibly writing too often. He didn’t say anything, and I didn’t ask – that is usually how I am – but it did concern me.

These things make me anxious. How do I know if I am doing something too much or too little? How do I know when to stop, or when to keep going? The rules in this society are so difficult to figure out, and it seems that everyone makes up their own – but others don’t appear to be having these struggles that I am having.

Always I am analyzing the things I am doing, and comparing them to what others are doing – but I still can’t seem to fit in. I watch, and try to do what they do, and am told (or not told, but hear others mentioning it of me) that I am doing it wrong. How can I tell?

You’d think that after more than 30 years of observing and analyzing the culture, I would be able to figure it out, but still I feel like I am on the outside looking in. Every once in a while people will tell me that I did well in some situation, and to keep it up. Most of the time, however, I am shaking and anxious and awkwardly standing around not knowing how to participate. When I try, I mostly get it wrong, and then I spend years reliving the memory in shame. I cannot let it go.

When I share, I often share too much. When I try to say what I think others expect of me, they respond to me in shock or anger so often. When I try to follow their rules, I get accused of being rigid and inflexible. When I try to not think of the rules as absolutes (as they seem to be able to do) I get in trouble (and lose my children) for not following the rules. I don’t know how they expect us to fit into society when they are so confusing.

With my blog posts, though, I think I will have to keep writing. It has to be all or nothing for me. To keep it part of my routine, I have to write every day. If I try to become more relaxed about things, it is more likely they will be put to the side and forgotten. I don’t want to forget this.

Besides, I like writing. It is one of my absolute favourite things to do, but it is also a compulsion of mine. I have to write, just like I have to draw floor plans, just like I have to spend time on Pinterest and the Realtor website, and dream of moving (even if I never will.) These things calm me. Not being able to do these things creates such strong anxiety that I can’t function pretty much at all with other people.

Perhaps I am sharing too much – I know I constantly worry about that. Perhaps I am writing too much – though I guess people could choose not to read. I know that I am not a great writer. I struggle especially with the grammar in writing. I write like I think, and my thoughts don’t always follow the rules of grammar.

I suppose I could never write some bestselling novel – though I have written a fictional novel, and I am pleased with it (but I wonder if I would still be happy with how it turned out if I shared it with others.)

But maybe I can do this. Maybe it is too much – but my hope is that it will help someone, somewhere. What is life for if we can’t use it to help others? But this is all I have… all I am able to do – and I hope it is enough.

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14 responses to “Autism – On Trying to Understand Society

  1. Eärthea

    September 4, 2015 at 10:23 pm

    A lot of people just use a blog as a place to get their thoughts out. I have seen blogs where people posted multiples times a day and some where people posted a few times a month. This is your space, and you can use it however you want.

    Liked by 3 people

     
  2. David Snape

    September 9, 2015 at 8:26 am

    Reblogged this on David Snape and Friends.

    Liked by 1 person

     
  3. Joanne Hayle

    September 9, 2015 at 9:37 am

    Reblogged this on joannehayle.

    Like

     
  4. Joanne Hayle

    September 9, 2015 at 9:39 am

    Keep writing! The world is full of contradictions but you keep on living it and smile, other peoples rules don’t have to be your rules, take care, Joanne Reblogged this!

    Liked by 1 person

     
  5. elementhealing

    September 9, 2015 at 11:04 am

    Life is certainly confusing and it will always be. Eventually everyone comes to terms with that. Just remember to never struggle to follow someone elses path. Live your journey your way. The people that love you will accept it and the people that don’t know you don’t really matter!! You are a good writer, Keep doing what you do. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

     
  6. Mir Fleur

    September 9, 2015 at 11:31 am

    Just write whenever and whatever you want, there will always be people like me who love to read it :). I have an adult autistic son, and an adult daughter who has such severe anxiety and social interaction issues, she is almost certainly a fair way along the spectrum (as am I). It will be great to read more of your blog 🙂

    Like

     
  7. innerdragon

    September 9, 2015 at 11:38 am

    If it helps, I have noticed that some bloggers post only a few times per month, whereas others post at least 5 times a day, sometimes more. And neither appears to add or subtract from the followership. People who read your blog and follow you are probably already accepting of whatever your posting pattern is. So however you feel like posting, that is good, I think. But I’m not an authority on the topic — I’m just looking at it from afar and those are my first thoughts.
    Cheers.

    Like

     
    • innerdragon

      September 9, 2015 at 11:41 am

      Oops, and I didn’t mean to imply that your purpose here is just to care about what your followers want or expect — I find WordPress so liberating when I just feel like writing and want a semi anonymous space to write. Sometimes what I write is likely boring to my followers, but very healthy for me. So I use this space rather therapeautically.

      Like

       
  8. mattshanemom

    September 9, 2015 at 1:20 pm

    Reblogged this on actingoutministriesblog and commented:
    Thoughts to be considered….

    Like

     
  9. autismbeautycombines

    September 9, 2015 at 6:31 pm

    Reblogged this on autism.beauty.combines.

    Like

     
  10. threekidsandi

    September 9, 2015 at 6:38 pm

    I am also eaten up by own mistakes for years after the fact. Try to let it go. Guilt and shame never make anything better. Forgive yourself, the yourself then and the self of now. You are worth it, and you deserve to live without the past burdening you. Learn what you can and move on.

    Liked by 1 person

     
  11. hopecollishaw

    September 10, 2015 at 3:01 am

    really good read. you let us all understand what you’re going through. why do you say that you could never write a bestselling novel? if you write every single day, then you’re already halfway there! aha 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

     
  12. ladyofroyalhorses

    September 12, 2015 at 2:19 pm

    Reblogged this on Appalachian aspie part two..

    Like

     
  13. blkkat49

    September 14, 2015 at 9:59 am

    You are a great writer. I enjoyed this. I agree that being yourself is best because people who like you, are liking the real you. You sound awesome to me, so you shouldn’t try to change. Just celebrate yourself and tons of people will celebrate with you.

    Liked by 1 person

     

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