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Autism: Days of Exhaustion

07 Sep

Mental health issues affect so much more than a person’s mood, and ability to relate well to others. Whether a person has autism, anxiety, depression… it seems to cover so much of a person’s life and well being.

For me, I have had a lot of unexplained pain through my life. The doctors seem to respond to me as if I am exaggerating things, but the pain is very strong and very real for me. Another area I really struggle with on a weekly basis is exhaustion.

There are days when my thoughts just won’t focus, when all I feel is tired. It doesn’t matter what I have done in the days before. There often seems to be no reason for it. These days are just to be endured.

Whether I am at home, or at work, I feel guilty over these days, yet I can’t seem to overcome them. My brain is in a fog, and I just can’t move.

Some days I am frozen by fears, other days for exhaustion. Today is a day like that, and I feel bad. Even though I am not working at this time – or perhaps because I am not working at this time – I like to have my routine, and get a certain amount done each day. Some days are more productive than others, but as long as I keep up a base amount of productivity each day, I feel okay.

On days like this, however, very little gets done. Certainly not enough for me to feel justified in being at home. I feel like I am being lazy, and I guess that is how others would describe it, but I can’t get through this fatigue. I can’t even think enough to complete an activity well. It is hard even to move.

Did I not get enough sleep last night? I don’t know. Is it dark outside? Not today; the sun is shining, and it is beautiful. Probably I would feel better if I went outside in the sun for a while, but I haven’t even been able to talk myself into doing that.

If I were working today, I couldn’t push myself to do the extras. I would have felt exhausted and overwhelmed dealing with people. I would have had trouble thinking, and would have forgotten even my most regular routine. I would have felt guilty, and thought that I didn’t deserve the job that I was doing. If my coworkers noticed my inability to move and get things done, they too would have questioned my place in that job – and that would have made things worse.

The truth is, these days just have to be endured. They come far too often, and always upset me, but I can’t seem to avoid them. I don’t even know what the cause of them is most of the time.

As for today, I am tired… no, exhausted, and I am doing all that I can just to get through it.

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