Today is Tuesday, and it has been another hard day for me… in fact, I think most of the past week has been hard for me now that I think of it.
We have had a couple of sunny days, but most of them, like today, have been dark and rainy. I have mentioned in previous posts how such days leave me feeling tired, and give me headaches. Today is no different, but that isn’t really why it has been hard.
Today I had an appointment with my counselor, which was canceled about 90 minutes before I was supposed to be there. I don’t do well with unpredictability, and I am worried – how am I supposed to get better when I’ve only seen my Psychiatrist 3 times in as many months, and my counselor is always on call for emergencies, so we have to reschedule?
The longer it takes for me to get better, the longer it will be until I can get an income (or even apply for disability, if that is what needs to happen – as I need these appointments even to do that.) Meanwhile, we eat into our savings waiting for appointments that don’t come often enough. This causes me strong anxiety, but this is not exactly why it has been a difficult day.
Even though my appointment was canceled, I still had to drive downtown to refill my prescriptions. While I was waiting for them to be filled, I had to get some shopping done. The traffic and crowds were bad today, and I found myself going down isles just because there was no one down them, though I didn’t need anything there.
Being in the crowds gave me instant headaches, and a desire to go home – but I needed my prescriptions, and needed to get the groceries, so held on. I wanted to wrap my arms around myself, and hide – but that isn’t accepted in adults. I thought, “I really don’t like people,” but that wasn’t an accurate statement. I do like people, I was just overwhelmed.
The compulsive thought kept running through my head, I want my mom, I need my mom. The same thought that always goes through my head when I am so anxious. But I don’t think even having to go downtown was the reason today was so difficult.
This morning, the children went back to school. I was on Facebook when I read a post about parents who dread the first day of school, because school is so hard for their children. The person who posted this is a mutual friend with my youngest daughter’s foster mother. The foster mother posted that she had been dreading this day, and another person responded that they hoped (my youngest daughter) did okay.
That was what made the day difficult. I am anxious today, tired, and have headaches – but the sadness from hearing snippets of my children’s lives, but never being able to ask for more, is so much worse.
Today I miss my baby, and both wish I could hear more, and wish it didn’t hurt so much when I (very rarely) caught a glimpse into my children’s lives.