The Courage to Stand Still

17 Sep

Sometimes, I guess, it takes more courage to stand still than to move on. That, without a lot of options, is where I find myself again. My mind, as it does in these situations, is searching for the positives in this, in order to accept it.

My brain, it seems, is the optimist – where my body is exhausted, and ready to give up. I wonder how a person can work with such opposites, but it is nice to know that when my world seems to be falling apart, my mind will search for any positive it can find in the situation.

We do not live in a poorly constructed house in a bad neighbourhood. It isn’t like we have an emergency need to get out… it is just that I was seeking a way to lower our living expenses so that I could remain at home without being a burden to my husband. I hate being a burden, it leaves me worried that he will resent marrying me – and I live with enough anxiety as it is.

I can’t go out to work though. I know that, though a part of my wishes that weren’t true. I have enough trouble keeping up with life when I am home… if I am working, that becomes impossible. I can’t do it. I can’t keep up with that level of exhaustion – which comes despite my best efforts to take care of myself. I am not able to enjoy my marriage when I am working; I am too stressed out over where I need to be, and how much I could fail, and what it costs me emotionally and physically to be there – and that spills over to my relationships, though I try to keep it separate.

So I need to find a solution – but it seems that selling our house, and downsizing, is not a practical solution. It isn’t likely to happen now… but it is okay. There are things I can do here to enjoy my home.

We may not live on 2 acres of property, or across the highway from a decent place to swim somewhat privately. We may not have a wood stove, or a wood cook stove. We do, however, live close to a nice nature walk beside the lake. We do have good fruit trees already growing in our yard, which we planted. We do have as much space to garden as that property had, if I only make use of it. We do have a nice fireplace, and our basement has the hookups, rock wall, and tile floor set up for a wood stove (or a wood cook stove, if the insurance would accept that more.)

We do have a nice house, where we have already replaced the roof, windows, and deck. In light of what I have seen, we only need minor renovations to this house, and none are truly urgent – though I would like to get them done.

We may not have a lot of income – and we may already live so thrifty that it is hard to find places to reduce expenses – but we still won’t starve for quite a while.

My husband is supportive, and is accepting of the way things are. It could be so much worse – and through time and thought, hopefully I will learn to find calm in this new lifestyle, too.

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Posted by on September 17, 2015 in Experiences of an Autistic


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