I sat in church yesterday, and I did not feel anxious. I don’t remember that ever happening before, and perhaps I should have felt thankful for that milestone… now that I’ve experienced it, however, I think I’d rather be anxious.
These days my hope has gone along with my energy. The thought that nothing is going to happen, nothing ever could happen, and I can’t even gather up enough energy to even care permeate my days now.
I struggle to write. I am unable to dream of my future. I push myself to move – and for what? At the end of the day I can barely remember what I have done.
This is depression. I have experienced it many times before. This time it is caused by my medication… and now I know the answer to the question people have asked in the past – is it better to have hope and lose it, or never to have had it in the first place. I never knew what to answer before.
Now I know that for me, it is the difference between anxiety and depression. To be anxious is to hope for a good outcome, and to fear a bad one. To be depressed is to not even have enough energy to consider that anything good might happen, and to not expend the very limited energy I do have trying to fight for it.
I’d far rather be anxious – but that is no way to live, either. So I continue to take this medication that leaves me feeling so drained of life, and wait to see if when it settles down, it will no longer leave me feeling so depressed.
And that was my Sunday. I barely remember it. Now that I am home, and have a choice on what I do each day, I choose not to work on Sundays. I do not write in my blog, and I do not clean my house with the exception of possibly wiping up after meals.
I am thankful to have Sundays free. At my last job, I almost always had to work Sunday afternoons, and before that Sunday mornings – and I always felt both guilty for working it, and resentful for being put on that shift when I was the only one at that job who actually went to church on Sundays.
Now I have it off, and I choose not to do my work then. It feels better – but I really have to get my anxiety and depression issues under control to really feel good about it.