It took about a week, but my medication has finally settled down so that I have some energy once more.
The sun is shining on this beautiful fall day, and I can SEE it!
For days, I thought that would never happen again. It is hard to live with depression. It is hard to be so exhausted that no amount of light can ease the darkness. In those days, the question of what I was still living for overcame me too many times to mention, and it was hard to keep going forward.
Today, though, the sun is shining. My head is clear, and once more I desire to plan, and dream, and grow. I spent all of yesterday cleaning and organizing, and ended up sending a van full of stuff to the thrift store. It felt wonderful.
My mind, however, returns to thoughts of that house – that house on the privacy of 2 acres that needs so much work – and I still wish I could live there. So much work, but today I want the project. Today I want the experience, because today I have energy.
I suppose when my moods are under control, this is who I am… but we can’t afford it. If it were just the house, maybe, but the cost of the land is too high to be able to afford to fix the house, too, and it is the land that I want.
With the energy, the anxiety has returned, but it is not too bad. I have nowhere I need to go this week, and that helps a lot.
The fixation on houses and lifestyles is part of my autism, I assume. It has always been there, and when it isn’t, I know something is really very wrong with me. I don’t know that I can do anything about it. I don’t know that I would like that part of me to be removed – but I would really like to be able to do something with it.
I know I couldn’t work at a job renovating with others. I have tried it. I even went to school for it. The demands, and the noise level were far too much for me, and caused me to shut down in anxiety. If I knew what I was supposed to be doing, however, and could be left to do it, I believe that is something that I would really love to do.