For one wonderful day, I had energy. It never lasts long, and this is a big issue for me in doing work. When I have the energy, I do very well, and feel I could keep going – but the next day I crash, and can’t even push myself to do anything at all.
This is why I have to set my own schedule and routine, and cannot work on the demand of others. I want to give my best, and to work consistently, but I just can’t.
This morning my son and I walked along the nature trail beside the lake, which is just down the road from us. We walked about 4 km in total, and talked all along the way. I missed that time together, as we took a break for the summer (he can’t handle the heat, or the insects.)
My son and I are both autistic, and although we are very different in many ways, we also seem to understand each other well.
So while we walked, he talked about television shows and video games, and I talked about housing and nature, and we both enjoyed the conversation, even though there wasn’t a lot of back and forth. Despite his strong interest, I still know very little about TV and video games. Despite my strong interest, he still has little thought on housing and nature – but that is okay. We accept that difference in each other, and enjoy the company just the same.
By the time we got home, we both had our fill of interaction, and each went our separate ways – him to his computer in the basement, and me to my computer upstairs. It was enough, and it was good, and I look forward to possibly doing it again tomorrow – but I am also content to be alone now.
Yesterday I watched the movie About A Boy. In it, the main character didn’t work, he lived off royalties from a song his father had written, and did nothing at all. At times, he was highly aware of how uninteresting he was because he didn’t have a job to talk about.
Watching that movie, I thought he should get a job, so that he can have something to feel good about, but then I wondered why I don’t feel the same was about myself. I have worked. I have had that to talk about when I had my job, or was going to school. Does that make my life less interesting now that I am home? If I had the money that I never had to work again, would that make me less of a person?
For the man in the movie, my answer would be, “yes.” For myself, however, I don’t believe that is true. I have so many interests of my own, and so much I do during those times I actually do have energy, that work actually takes away from the person I am. It leaves me feeling guilty – that I don’t have an income – but I think with who I am, and what I am capable of, I am able to develop my interests and personality much more thoroughly when I don’t have the interruption, and exhaustion that comes with working.
Maybe the goal to not have to work seems at the very least unusual, but also unworthy to other people, but that is the truth I live with. I feel I have much more to contribute to the world, and much more to live for, when I am NOT working. A truth that leaves me feeling guilty, but a truth nonetheless.