When The Future and Present Collide

29 Sep

Last night was the fourth of the tetrad of blood moons, and a super moon to boot. We took our dog for his walk a little too early, as it wasn’t out yet. Then we were slightly too late to see it in full.

We went out about 8:30pm – I can’t believe how dark it is at that time. It is the same each year, but it always surprises me.

It wasn’t a full lunar eclipse when we saw it. The earth’s shadow covered most of the moon, but there was a sliver showing as the eclipse was ending. There wasn’t a lot of red, either, but I am sure we would have seen that if we had gotten out a few minutes earlier.

The night before, the moon was amazing. So full, so bright, so huge… but as I was looking out at it last night I thought, this is what people have been talking about? For how long? I don’t know. Does it mean anything? I don’t know.

But for a while people have been studying this. Writing about this. Talking about this. And now it is over.

Time is strange. Always the passing of time has been hard on me, but the moment that hit me hardest had to do with my cousin.

She was a year older than me, and much younger than me at the same time. She had Cystic Fibrosis, and as long as I remember I knew that meant that she (and her older brother who also struggled with this) would die young.

We didn’t know when, but someday her body would stop fighting, and she would die. That was the future, and the future always scared me – I never felt ready for it.

Then the day came. July 1st 1997. I was twenty, she was twenty-one, and she had only been really sick for about six weeks. I was there with her when she died. She opened her eyes, and looked at us, and then she was gone.

And that was the moment – the very first moment – when the future collided with my present, and I realized, I can never go back again. And I have never been the same.

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Posted by on September 29, 2015 in Autism: Reality


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