To begin with, I need to have a blue pen. Black just won’t do, and if I am writing with a black pen, I will be annoyed whenever I look at it.
I may type for my blog – there really isn’t much choice there – but when it comes to my writing fixation, nothing other than paper and pen will do.
It is hard to explain my fixation on writing. It is a very vulnerable truth about me, and it causes me stress to share it, but I will share it just the same.
More than journaling. More than putting my thoughts on paper. More than expressing what is inside of me to other people. Writing for me is an obsession – and possibly not quite a sane one.
You see, I am full of questions. All the time. I am a detail person, and need those details in order to find calm – but details aren’t always easy to obtain… especially around people who simply take things as they come, and move slowly and thoughtfully through change.
And so I write. I write down my questions. I write down my prayers, thoughts, ideas, and then I wait. I wait, and I listen, and the answers come. They come in thoughts, not words. I don’t hear voices… well, once when I was alone in my house I heard a man’s voice call my name quietly… “Jennifer”… calmly. Right beside my ear, the voice came, but there was no one there. It terrified me. But I have never heard voices before or since.
No. My answers come in thoughts, and I write them down, as if they came from God – but I know they don’t come from God, or they would always be true.
When I find the answers to the questions I have written weren’t accurate, I get frustrated, and think I won’t ever do that again. So for a while, I write just my prayers and thoughts, and not the answers. But it doesn’t calm me the same way, and always I return. Maybe a few hours, or even a couple of weeks later, but I always return to writing the answers to my own questions, and for a while I find calm.
It is a compulsion, I know. I am a detailed person, and if I can’t get those details from life, I find them inside myself. Even if they aren’t true, they do calm me… for a while.