Today I have felt depressed, as if the world has gone dark, though it was a nice day. My hope is draining as fast as my energy, and I feel nothing will ever change.
What is this change I seek? Why can’t I find contentment where I am as my husband and son do? Why am I always either striving and full of anxiety, or resigned to things remaining the same, and filled with depression?
Often it is both, and so I turn to writing, which calms me for a little while until I once more cannot deny the answers come from myself alone.
My life is not so bad, but when things are still I create problems that must be solved, or desires which cannot be filled, and I am not even certain that I want them to be. Though my life is still at this time, I feel incapable of being still along with it.
When I am busy, however, the anxiety is constant. I cannot think. I cannot function. All I want to do is go home and write, plan, and calm myself – until finally I am so overwhelmed I shut down, and find a place where I can go and hide, and do just that (even when I am supposed to be working.) It never takes long to reach that point. Then I can’t even calm down at home because I am so anxious over my next shift.
Three days and counting! Three days lost over a friendly 90 minute visit, and I am still struggling with the compulsion to block out the world while I write, and design, and plan things that may never be.
And that is why ‘getting out of the house’ is work for me, and not a treat. How long until I can get myself back to the routine that calms me?
Not soon, likely, as my son and I have assessments for support services out of town on Wednesday this week, and that will likely disrupt our entire week or more – as things like this always have in the past.
My fixation this weekend is once more on the house on two acres that my husband’s cousin wants to sell. We cannot afford to buy the land, and renovate the house (which we would have to) and yet I can’t let the desire go – so I pray that God will provide a way, and I continue to write, design, research, and plan as I wait, just to calm myself down.