Autism: Selfish Girl

22 Oct

What if I told you that I am a very selfish person, who mostly thinks of herself? Would you deny the truth of my words? Would you silently (or not so silently) agree with me? Would you turn away in disgust?

While I do think of others, and I do care very deeply for some, that does not take away from the fact that I am selfish.

I would like to – not only say that I am altruistic, giving, and thoughtful – but to actually be such a person, I don’t believe that would be an honest assessment of myself, and therefore I can’t say it.

Do I care at all when I hear that people throughout the world are being persecuted, tortured, murdered… living in constant fear? You can bet I do. It hurts me so deep… I feel an ache so strong… that it often seems I will never get past it.

Do I want to help? Absolutely. Though I can barely take care of myself, in the moment I would give nearly all I have to help someone in struggle. I could at least give something, and if I have the option, I will.

But the truth is that while I hurt for them, pray for them, give to them – mostly I am praying, “Please Lord, don’t let it come here.”

Notice I didn’t say don’t let THEM come here. No. I would that everyone could live without fear – but mostly I am afraid of experiencing it myself. Please don’t let it come here, I ask. As if it is okay so long as it is someone else’s suffering – but that is not what I meant.

When I go into counseling, and talk about things that have hurt me, she asks if I know that others in the world have it a lot worse. Do I know? Absolutely – help me to block it out! That is what I want to ask her. I know of the suffering in the world. It destroys me, and I have to… I HAVE to block it out, or I would go insane.

There but for the grace of God go I, I think… Please, Lord, don’t let it come here.

As if I believe I don’t deserve what they are experiencing – when I know that I do, and it causes me to tremble. As if they are suffering for things they have done – which might be true, but I know… I KNOW that isn’t always the case.

How can I pray for my own safety, while knowing of their fear and pain? Like praying that my son be kept from war, knowing other people’s children will have to go in his place. Please spare us the pain, LORD, I haven’t the strength to lose another. As if those fleeing from war torn countries are carrying forward through strength, not fear.

Why should I be spared, when others suffer? Please LORD, don’t let it happen to me.

There but for the grace of God go I.

We live in a fallen world, where pain, loss, and fear are all too prevalent. Do I know of the pain of others? Do I care? More than I could say. Still I pray for my own comfort; for my own safety. Please, Lord, provide a wood stove so that I can heat my home for less, I pray – while others go to bed another night with an empty stomach.

I am a selfish girl. Lord help me to be more like You.


Posted by on October 22, 2015 in Faith Walk


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4 responses to “Autism: Selfish Girl

  1. kazst

    October 22, 2015 at 2:10 pm

    I can relate. But I honestly believe that most people are selfish and self-centered. Not everyone is honest about it. Some people are good at hiding it. Even some people who are known to act in very altruistic ways still have selfish motivations.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Angel the Alien

    October 22, 2015 at 9:44 pm

    I think I know exactly what you mean. I think the same way. For instance, people in war-torn countries or where people are starving… It is painful to think about, especially when there is really nothing I can do. I mean you can donate money if you have any, you can volunteer, you can spread the word, you can sign petitions, but you can’t REALLY gather everyone up and save them!
    I think it is sort of mean of your therapist to tell you that other people have had it worse. Of course, there is always someone somewhere who has been through something worse. That does not discount what YOU have been through. Your experiences are your own. Your pain is your own. The fact that others are also in pain does not mean your pain isn’t also very real!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. autismstuff

    October 22, 2015 at 10:18 pm

    I have to agree that your therapist remarking that others have it worse is not helpful. Maybe the therapist is thinking that comment is meant to help you get perspective but what it tells me is the therapist does not understand autism. I cannot bare to think of child abuse or animal abuse, it is too much to bear. I can’t even watch those heart-wrenching Humane Society commercials. And a horror movie?? No way! We on the spectrum are actually quite sensitive souls and crippling anxiety can be just around the corner. I think what you mean by “selfish” is actually a protective mechanism required for self-preservation.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. kazst

    October 23, 2015 at 11:52 am

    I think if a therapist said that to me I would want to say something like, “Well of course I know some people have it worse. But I thought I was here to talk about the ways in which I struggle.” Would I actually say that? Probably not. I’d only think of it later.

    Liked by 1 person


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