Today my energy is very low, and I am wondering if my thoughts on gardening, preserving food, and living a more self-sustaining lifestyle are actually practical for me to consider.
My dreams are vast, inspiring, and active – but my life has never followed that pattern. Again I find myself seeking… always seeking, to be someone I am not.
I can do some basic sewing, and can prepare crafts for preschool age children, but I am not the type of person who can just pick up some materials, and make something beautiful. I want to be that person, but it is not who I am. I am a dreamer. I like the pictures, the smells, the decorations… but outside of my own thoughts, I cannot bring these things to reality. I want to be able to, but, that is not who I am.
During the darker months of winter, I find myself designing and dreaming over a vast fruit, herb, and vegetable garden. In the spring, I want to plant. The desire is deep within me. However, once summer hits (along with the heat and horrible allergies) I battle against going outside. My energy is too low, and the grass and heat make it difficult to breathe.
While I can grow some things – sunflowers, pumpkins, tomatoes – I really don’t know what I am doing (or have the energy to keep up) in order to grow much of my food needs for the year. I wish I could. It seems like a worthy goal – but it isn’t who I am.
Perhaps I could learn to garden, and I think I would like to, but do I have the energy to keep it up? I never have in the past.
When autumn is coming near, and the leaves start to fall, I dream of a pantry full of canned fruits and vegetables that I have preserved from my own garden. I can imagine myself going in to choose my foods throughout the winter, and I feel content within my dream. But canning my own food would mean I would have to spend the time learning how to both garden, and safely preserve the food. While I might be able to learn how through a course taken with others, having to go out to learn among others would be so exhausting, I likely wouldn’t follow through.
At this time, I own three cats and a dog. I am an animal lover – that is not just a dream – but when I ache to own sheep, goats, chickens, llamas… I see myself playing with them. I know intellectually they are a lot of work to care for, and still I long for them.
I have had many rabbits and guinea pigs in the past. Even they were more work than I had energy for. I did love having them – but for me, who has always had such low energy, is it practical to dream of having more?
In my mind, I have such beautiful ambitions, such wonderful ideas – yet they do not line up with who I am. I am a dreamer, and unless I can find a way to bring those thoughts into reality (without going against who I am, for then I will only fail again) I really ought to just stay true to the person that I am.
So maybe instead of praying for a life apart – private land, large gardens, huge pantry… I should instead be seeking a way to decrease my expenses, while also decreasing my workload, in order to function within the level of energy I have been given – which is incredibly low.
How do I pull away from this lifestyle of always trying to do more, to push myself as people have often told me to do – when a lot of the time, it takes all of my effort just to get out of bed in the morning. How do I turn from what I believe others expect of me, and who I thought I should have been, and allow myself to be who I really am?
And who am I, really?