It was a dark, rainy day, and even with the light that I have for my Seasonal Affective Disorder, I couldn’t get moving.
Maybe I am ‘solar powered.’
All day I felt intensely out of place, and too needy and unproductive to have a purpose in this life.
If I were a character in a story, I would expect to be killed off soon, as there seems no reason to keep me here. All characters have a part to play – I wonder what mine is. Only I feel death is a reward that I don’t deserve.
What will it feel like – the end of this life? Of this I have been afraid much of my life. Death I want – sometimes so much it hurts; but dying? Not so much.
I hope that soon I will be shown some purpose for me to remain in this life. It doesn’t have to be work – it is probably better that it isn’t, although I need the income. I just don’t always want to feel like this.
Maybe it isn’t a purpose that I am seeking, though. I think I am overwhelmed today by the renovations that need to be done on this house, and I feel myself shutting down.
Perhaps it is the power to fix or escape from these things that overwhelm me that I want, rather than purpose or death. Wouldn’t it be horrible for my prayer for death to be answered, only to find that what I needed was just to replace the floors, update the kitchen, or move to a new house?
Today I am in a dark place, and it all seems like too much.