Autism: In a Dark Place

31 Oct

It was a dark, rainy day, and even with the light that I have for my Seasonal Affective Disorder, I couldn’t get moving.

Maybe I am ‘solar powered.’

All day I felt intensely out of place, and too needy and unproductive to have a purpose in this life.

If I were a character in a story, I would expect to be killed off soon, as there seems no reason to keep me here. All characters have a part to play – I wonder what mine is. Only I feel death is a reward that I don’t deserve.

What will it feel like – the end of this life? Of this I have been afraid much of my life. Death I want – sometimes so much it hurts; but dying? Not so much.

I hope that soon I will be shown some purpose for me to remain in this life. It doesn’t have to be work – it is probably better that it isn’t, although I need the income. I just don’t always want to feel like this.

Maybe it isn’t a purpose that I am seeking, though. I think I am overwhelmed today by the renovations that need to be done on this house, and I feel myself shutting down.

Perhaps it is the power to fix or escape from these things that overwhelm me that I want, rather than purpose or death. Wouldn’t it be horrible for my prayer for death to be answered, only to find that what I needed was just to replace the floors, update the kitchen, or move to a new house?

Today I am in a dark place, and it all seems like too much.


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2 responses to “Autism: In a Dark Place

  1. kazst

    October 31, 2015 at 10:13 am

    Perhaps sharing your feelings and experiences in this blog is your purpose right now. Don’t underestimate the importance of doing that. Who knows who could be helped because they can relate to your words.

    Maybe it’s a character flaw on my part, but I personally don’t think much about what my purpose is. Other people tell me I need one, but my mind just doesn’t really go there. I didn’t ask to be born; trying to justify my existence here is just way too much pressure.


  2. kazst

    October 31, 2015 at 10:21 am

    Another thing I’d like to add is that I think we all go through different seasons in life, and sometimes it’s okay to have a season of rest. The way things are today is not necessarily the way they’ll always be, even if we can’t envision right now how things could be different.

    Liked by 1 person


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