Though I knew it was coming, it never gets any easier. I held off for five days, quite good, all things considering. It isn’t that I did well those days, but I did something, and that was enough.
Today, however, I had to take the day for nothing.
I didn’t explode. That is a good thing.
I haven’t had a meltdown, though I have felt extremely close nearly all of my waking hours.
I haven’t yelled, screamed, or cried – I should maybe receive a prize for that, but then, no one would understand what it took to overcome in the last few days. It is less than most of them do on a regular basis, but for me, it was too much.
I am sure my week didn’t look all that great to them – but then they are not me, and it cost me a lot.
I know what led up to this, and it was worth it, but that doesn’t mean I am doing well after.
Today, though, I have been perseverating. For five hours I sat on one website, looking at the same things over and over.
There was a voice in my head telling me to move on, and do other things… I couldn’t.
My body was irritated being in the same position for so long, yet I could not move. It was as if I were glued to the seat.
When finally I moved on, I got up and made tea, then sat down to another website – where I was fixated for another hour.
It is the pictures that draw me in – when I can’t do anything else, and the words are too much, I turn to them for calming.
They do calm me, I think – but when I can’t move on, there is also this frustration within.
Why can’t I just be ‘normal,’ I think. Go to work, come home and relax, spend time with friends… do okay – but I don’t.
I chose to paint the kitchen, and I am really pleased with the result, but I am crashing now.
The phone rings like shots being fired, and I want to hide.
The cleaning will have to wait for another day. I can’t. Okay, so I cleaned it all yesterday, but I still feel the disorder, and struggle against it. I have to shut it out – I have to perseverate today. I have to.
And so while it frustrates me, and I wish it weren’t so, I have to allow it. I need these ‘nothing’ days, far more often than I would care to admit – but I do actually need them.
Yes I am crashing, and yes I am struggling, and while it doesn’t look it at the time, these days I feel so awful are still a necessity, and so I allow them – because the alternative would be so much worse.