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Autism: The Wrong Skin

09 Nov

It came upon me unexpectedly, as it often does. Was it timing, food, exhaustion… I really don’t know.

My entire body was irritated, as if I had crawled into the wrong skin. Skin that was too tight, and possibly made of wool.

Itchy, achy, irritated… I cringed as he came near, though I do not know why.

He wasn’t doing anything wrong… he wasn’t even doing anything different.

My day was controlled – I had nowhere to go, no one to visit. Nothing had happened, as far as I could see, to cause this agitation. My house was clean, and smelled good, yet I had not been overly busy. The sun shone for several hours, so it wasn’t the darkness. I slept okay. I ate decent foods.

Yet as he walked up behind me, I cringed, as if he were someone I didn’t want around – but that wasn’t true. I wanted him to leave. Not leave the house, just leave my space… yet he wasn’t invading it; I felt like he was.

How could I tell him, you make my skin crawl?  That would hurt him. That isn’t what I meant. Those were not the right words. I didn’t say them, but I thought them. Please Go Away!

I love you, but I’m wearing the wrong skin today. It isn’t your fault, you have done nothing wrong, but I don’t fit in this body right now, and I don’t want you to touch me.

The moment ended, yet everything was wrong; still everything felt wrong.

He took my hand as we walked, as he always does. Today it hurt. I wriggled my fingers. I moved them to different positions. I tried to ignore. Today it hurt though, and nothing I did reduced that pain.

I pulled away. I am sorry. My body hurts today.

Today your touch feels like nails on a chalkboard, yet it isn’t you.  I don’t want anyone to come close… today.

Please GO AWAY! Please don’t stand behind me. Please don’t touch me. Please don’t talk to me… I am going to cry. This hurts. It hurts so much… You’ve don’t nothing wrong. I don’t want to hurt him.

I say nothing. I pull away. I am sorry. He can’t understand.

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Posted by on November 9, 2015 in Autism: Reality

 

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