Autism: Small Success

16 Nov

It is Thursday once more, and that means baking and laundry.

There is a sprinkle of snow on the ground; the first of the year, and the smell of buns and brownies baking in the oven.

It has been a rough week, both with my depression and my anxiety. I have been irritated, obsessing, and exhausted, and despite my best efforts, much of the week was wasted. I could not move. I could not find a place of calm. Most days I struggled to find the desire to carry on.

Here I am, though, and it is Thursday again. As I sat drinking my Chocolate Chai Tea, and waiting for the oven timer to go off, I was thankful to have made it to that moment.

That is a big deal. It really is. When I feel all is lost, and struggle to see my worth, and am certain that my children are better off without me – it is enough to just get through the day. It has to be. There is nothing more.

But I got through, and today am thankful to have this day of washing laundry, and baking.

The brownies didn’t turn out well – they need eggs, I guess, and I am still too afraid to use them – but they sure smelled good. I didn’t cry. It didn’t increase my anxiety over life group tonight that I failed in my attempt to make that dessert. I moved them to the side, and made shortbread cookies instead.

It is a small thing, but for something that could have had me run to my bedroom in tears, crawl under my weighted blanket, and camp out there for hours thinking of all of my failures, and all of the reasons I should not continue to live, it is something to be proud of. In a moment of struggle, I found a way forward on my own.

The buns turned out well. The cookies are still in the oven, but I am not worried, they have always been good in the past.

My laundry is drying on the line, and as always, I love the smell of my fabric softener.

The snow has stayed on the roof, but has melted off the road, and I have nowhere to go anyway.

Today I am still very sad. I am still very anxious, and cannot still my racing heart. For all of that, however, I would say I have done good today. Maybe not great in other people’s opinion, but so much is harder for me, and I have to be proud of even small amounts of success.

Therefore I say, today has been a good day.


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