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Autism:Of Course You Were Right, Lord

27 Nov

Of course You were right, Lord. Always You are right.

The thought crosses my mind as I stand looking at the work I have completed over the past few days.

I am pleased. Perhaps it is not what others would want. Perhaps it is not some $25,000 kitchen makeover that I had once hoped to win. There are spots where I slipped with the brush, and the paint is not where I would have had it.

It isn’t professional, by any means – but it is mine. My style, my choices, the work of my hands – and I say, “it is good.”

We were born to work: to enjoy satisfaction in the things that we do. It wasn’t caused by the fall, this thing called work. No – the fall caused work to be hard, tedious, stressful… but it didn’t bring on the work itself.

Do you regret now that I didn’t allow you your wish to accomplish this through magic?

No, Lord. You were right. Of course, You were right.

I feel so tired and powerless most of the time. So weighed down by the laws of this world, and so overwhelmed by my environment. I spend a lot of time wishing for magic… wishing for wishes, to get those things done that I just can’t seem to do by myself – which is most everything.

A lot of the time I am depressed and exhausted just trying to accept that this ability hasn’t been given to me – to change my environment with just my thoughts – as if other people have that ability, and I have been left out. I know that isn’t true, but this world weighs me down, and most days I can’t even get up let alone get anything done, and it is frustrating.

And I wish, I pray so strongly, please Lord, allow me this. I know it isn’t possible, yet I wish it was. I wish so hard, that for a while, I can almost believe in the impossible – and then reality hits, and I crash.

I can’t do this anymore, I cry. I don’t want to stay here. Please, take me home.

And I cry myself to sleep, after hours of meltdown – and I wake up in the morning more surprised to find myself still in this world than I would have been to awaken somewhere else. And I take a deep breath, and get up, and try again. Just to make it through the day.

But then something will happen – wallpaper will appear out of nowhere – and after years of crying, and begging for a miracle in this, I find myself inspired.

And I work. For days, my focus remains on this. I am not paid for this – most of the things I have done in my life that have brought such satisfaction, I have not been paid for.

And I work, and work, and work, and finally I look up, and think, this is good!

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For that one moment in time I can fully see that to have won the lottery, or be granted my wish, I would not have this satisfaction of working to create something that was truly mine.

Work is not a curse – but this! This is what it is supposed to feel like.

Thank You, Lord.

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One response to “Autism:Of Course You Were Right, Lord

  1. The Porcelain Doll

    November 27, 2015 at 9:23 am

    Reblogged this on perfectlyfadeddelusions.

    Like

     

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