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Autism: Nothing Days

30 Nov

Though I knew it was coming, it never gets any easier. I held off for five days, quite good, all things considering. It isn’t that I did well those days, but I did something, and that was enough.

Today, however, I had to take the day for nothing.

I didn’t explode. That is a good thing.

I haven’t had a meltdown, though I have felt extremely close nearly all of my waking hours.

I haven’t yelled, screamed, or cried – I should maybe receive a prize for that, but then, no one would understand what it took to overcome in the last few days. It is less than most of them do on a regular basis, but for me, it was too much.

I am sure my week didn’t look all that great to them – but then they are not me, and it cost me a lot.

I know what led up to this, and it was worth it, but that doesn’t mean I am doing well after.

Today, though, I have been perseverating. For five hours I sat on one website, looking at the same things over and over.

There was a voice in my head telling me to move on, and do other things… I couldn’t.

My body was irritated being in the same position for so long, yet I could not move. It was as if I were glued to the seat.

When finally I moved on, I got up and made tea, then sat down to another website – where I was fixated for another hour.

It is the pictures that draw me in – when I can’t do anything else, and the words are too much, I turn to them for calming.

They do calm me, I think – but when I can’t move on, there is also this frustration within.

Why can’t I just be ‘normal,’ I think. Go to work, come home and relax, spend time with friends… do okay – but I don’t.

I chose to paint the kitchen, and I am really pleased with the result, but I am crashing now.

The phone rings like shots being fired, and I want to hide.

The cleaning will have to wait for another day. I can’t. Okay, so I cleaned it all yesterday, but I still feel the disorder, and struggle against it. I have to shut it out – I have to perseverate today. I have to.

And so while it frustrates me, and I wish it weren’t so, I have to allow it. I need these ‘nothing’ days, far more often than I would care to admit – but I do actually need them.

Yes I am crashing, and yes I am struggling, and while it doesn’t look it at the time, these days I feel so awful are still a necessity, and so I allow them – because the alternative would be so much worse.

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2 Comments

Posted by on November 30, 2015 in Autism: Mental Health and Healing

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

2 responses to “Autism: Nothing Days

  1. Grainne

    November 30, 2015 at 2:38 pm

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking a needed break from the world. My son and I take these once a month or so (I stay home from work and he from school and we don’t even get dressed). We call them hooky days but it’s more than being away from our obligations, it’s a break from having to deal with people and world that goes with them.

    I say take your nothing days and allow yourself to enjoy them, as much as you can anyway. Let them become healing days.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Walkinfaith925

      November 30, 2015 at 4:24 pm

      Mine last more than a day, however. This week I spent three and a half days doing nothing. Then I went shopping, and am exhausted again.

      I need them. I know I do, only I just wish I didn’t need so many of them. I always have, however, and when I don’t take them as needed, it can take me months or even years to get back to being just okay again.

      Liked by 1 person

       

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