Today I am aching to find work. It isn’t my fault I am home – my psychiatrist really didn’t give me a choice. It is true that my panic attacks were so bad, that it was the best course of action; only I had hoped that I would get medication that would settle my anxiety enough to keep working at my job full time. I had only just been given the full time, straight afternoons, that I had wanted for years…
Okay, it was bad. Really bad, and most of the time I was too paralyzed at work to do the job I was supposed to do, and that strongly increased my anxiety – not to mention the few guests who were unruly, angry, scary…
I couldn’t stay, but I wanted to.
Although every anti-depressant I have ever been on has given me really bad side effects (shocks through my head and arms, zapping in my tongue, severe dizzy spells, and nausea just to mention a few) I really had hope that this time they would work.
I would take the medication, and two weeks later or so, I would find myself completely calm, and able to handle the work that I really was good at.
I liked being on afternoons. It isn’t so much that I enjoyed working late into the night, but it was quite an improvement from switching between shifts sometimes several days a week. The afternoons were often quiet, and I could often get a lot done without any interruption. Maybe I would have to check guests in here and there (more often during the summer, of course) but for the most part, it was a quick two minutes to sign them in and then I would be back to my cleaning.
It was good, and I had hoped to continue with that.
But the stress was high, and I was taken off. I have been off of work for five months now. I like being at home, but I really liked having a paycheck; it provided me with a freedom that I cannot have being at home.
It is true that making up my own schedule based on how well I am doing on a given day is pretty much an essential for me. I can’t get that working for someone else, but I still want to work. I also really do need the freedom to take vacations when I need them, and when other people are available. Being that the summer is our tourist season, and that we had so few employees at my job that if anyone took more than 5 days off together, the rest of the workers would be overworked, that also wasn’t a possibility at my job.
I need the freedom. I need my own schedule. I would prefer to work on my own at home due to my very strong anxiety both for working with other people, and even leaving my home. I need much – but I want to work. I really do.
It has been nearly six months since I have been put on anti-depressants, and the only effect I have seen on my level of anxiety and depression has been because I am at home. In fact, every time they are changed, or the dosage increased, both my anxiety and depression get so severe I feel I should be in a hospital (only in those moments, I can’t talk or express myself well, and people tell me they think I will be okay.)
They certainly haven’t helped me in the way I had hoped, and I have had all kinds of side effects from them, which are mostly unpleasant (except for my consistently vivid dreams that come from the remerol – but then, that also caused me to gain 24 lbs in 3 months. I would like to keep the dreams, though, they are very entertaining.)
I am supposed to wait here at home to see if my disability is going to go through – but six months! I have only been off of employment insurance and already I am struggling – not in poverty, we have savings to fall back on even though I don’t like using them – but with the idea of not having a paycheck. That is very hard for me.
Anyway, I was going to write about my fixation on vegan foods today, as I have spent the entire morning (and I finally, for the first time in months, woke up early this morning) focused on that – but the posts seem to write themselves somehow… I guess I’ll write about that another time.