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Autism: Hiding My Purchases

09 Dec

Last week, I finally found what I wanted to purchase with the gift certificates my family had given me for Christmases and Birthdays in the past. It isn’t that I couldn’t find anything to spend them on, but the time I spent was in trying to ensure what I got was the best option.

There never is any guarantee of this however, and as most everyone has experienced, I have bought things in the past that I later regretted.

So every few weeks for the past couple of years, I have been visiting the site to see what I would best like to get with my gift certificates.

And finally, a couple of items that I had been considering went on sale one day, and I purchased them.

This was in no way a spontaneous purchase. Mine very rarely are.

Aside from the fact I had been researching the site for years, I also spent an additional five hours on the site on that day, comparing and considering, and deciding if these were in fact my best options.

Last night, just before my husband came home, the UPS guy dropped my package of at my door.

My husband is a curious person. I don’t think that is a bad quality, he learns a lot that way, and is interested in everything. I guess it is a good way to live.

With my performance anxiety, however – and I am not even sure how this ties in, I just know that it always feels the same – I really struggle with his curiosity. It causes me to freeze up, and want to hide, though I know he is doing nothing wrong.

So when I make purchases, I have a tendency to hide them from him. It doesn’t matter if it is socks from the dollar store, or an appliance from Amazon. If I buy it, I hide it.

It isn’t that I am spending money he doesn’t know about. I even told him that I had spent my gift certificates, and was getting something in. I just didn’t tell him what it was.

Eventually, I will tell him, “Oh, I got these socks from the dollar store.” By then, I have worn them a few times, and they are no longer new.

It isn’t a big deal, really, so I don’t know why I have to hide these things from him. Perhaps it is a possessive thing, or more of a fear that the purchase was bad.

If it doesn’t work well, I don’t want him watching me as I try to figure it out. Or if the socks fall apart… I just don’t want him to know of these mistakes I have made… at least until I have reconciled myself to it first (and figured out which words I want to use to explain it to him.)

The possessive thing… okay, so I bought a soda stream. I tend to be addicted to pop, and unless I am feeling particularly generous, I tend to hide it… always. I don’t like people to take my pop! It unsettles me.

I think it is because when I buy it, I divide it up into how long it will last me, and mentally prepare for when I run out. No surprises. I have to brace myself for the moment I run out (and the weeks of withdrawal that will follow if I have chosen to stop drinking it.)

I wouldn’t have bought one of these for myself, but I thought I would love to receive one for a gift, so that is why I got it. Plus this way, I can experiment with healthier flavouring, as it is really the bubbles I am addicted to most of all.

For all of these reasons, I waited until he had gone to work today to try it out. I was impressed. I think I am really going to like it… but I am still not sure I am ready to share. I know it is something I should do. I guess it is a fault I will have to work on, but not yet. I am not ready.

Having new packages to unwrap this morning was as exciting as opening presents on Christmas – only so much easier on me because I bought these things myself, so there were no surprises.

So after I had spent some time this morning with my new items, I finally found myself in such good spirits that I was able to put up my Christmas tree. I have been thinking of doing it for a while, but haven’t been able to come up with the energy. My son and husband don’t care one way or the other if we have a tree, so if we are going to have one at all, it has to be due to my desire.

007

I almost didn’t put it up this year. I almost gave our artificial tree to the thrift store to save on storage space.

I am really glad that I put it up, though. It is so pretty, and I don’t know how I ever thought it would be okay to go through the season without it.

It has been a good day.

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2 responses to “Autism: Hiding My Purchases

  1. kazst

    December 9, 2015 at 12:15 pm

    I think about getting an ice cream maker for a similar reason. I love ice cream, but should not be eating sugar. You can buy no-sugar ice cream, but usually only in the most basic flavours, and those aren’t the flavours I like. With an ice cream maker, I can make my own ice cream using healthier sweeteners and flavours I like.

    Liked by 1 person

     

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