God in his wisdom has given you what you would have asked for if you knew what he knows.
This is from a movie that I watched a few days ago, and I have been thinking of it off and on ever since. I want to believe it… sort of.
I can’t imagine what would cause me to ask for a life such as this. I think. I mean, I would ask to be home – if I knew I could afford it. I would ask for this quiet – if I knew my children would come home to break the silence.
Learning to trust is hard. It is made harder by years of feeling as if the world were against me, and I did not belong in it. It is hard to trust, and I don’t think it is something that a person can just learn to do. I have tried. I have tried for years to will myself to trust people. To trust God.
But when so many things in life have fought against the very reasonableness in trusting others – making it a naive and ridiculous idea – how then do you force yourself… Trust is hard.
And not only do I struggle to trust others, even more I struggle to trust myself.
How do I trust me, when so much has been lost and broken, and I have been told over and over again that it is my fault?
How do I trust me when I know how hard I have tried to succeed, only to end in painful, broken failure?
I think… I think the reason I struggle to trust God is that I don’t trust me.
It is difficult. So hard. I can’t make myself trust. I can’t force myself to learn this lesson. Trust comes from depending on someone, and time and again having it proven that they are dependable.
I believe that this time in my life is to help me to learn to trust in God. I want to. With all my heart, I want to, and I believe God can be trusted – just… it is hard to know it. It is hard to trust. So hard.
How do I trust that I am where God wanted me to be all along, when I feel that I am here due to consequences of my own inability to “get it right?” The idea that it can be both doesn’t fit inside of my understanding, and so I struggle with regret.
If it is a consequence, how can it be part of the original plan? I feel that I am here, in this place, because I failed. I can believe that God will turn this to good. I can believe that God’s plan will still happen in spite of my failure. To heal, however, it seems I must believe that I am exactly where God wanted me to be all along – and that, to me, is incomprehensible.
Still I feel that this particular time in my life is meant for me to learn how to trust – others, yes. Myself, okay. God, mostly.
And how do I learn to trust? Do I set out a lesson plan, and follow it to reach my goal? It doesn’t work. Do I try to convince myself that the people in my life, and God especially, are dependable? That hasn’t worked either. Do I just blindly believe? It would be a lie.
So how, now that I am convinced that I am supposed to be learning to trust God, do I succeed in that very lesson that has – not only escaped me throughout my life, but that I have been taught time and again was not the right choice?
And the truth is, I can’t. I can’t, so God must. If this is the lesson He wants me to learn… If this is the quality He wants me to develop… then it is really up to Him to show me “time and again” that He is dependable.
I suppose then that all I have to do is trust Him.