Autism: Slow Processor

02 Jan

“I’m open,” he yelled, “Pass me the ball.” So I did… and everyone laughed. He was on the other team. Eight grade gym class. I never was good at gym – but this went beyond physical ability.

Timed quizzes, deadlines, timed games… quick thinking – I just can’t do it.

Play dominoes with my husband. He laughs. He got the points. I got none. Laughs in glee, while I sit in frustration. He’s competitive. I am not. But it is more than the game. I don’t care if I win – but I can’t see fast. His laugh reminds me of all I am not. Stupid, stupid girl. Can’t ever get it right.

Lineup of guests to check out at work. Guests in the laundry room yelling at me for change. People in the breakfast room handing me empty food containers… One at a time, I scream inside. I can’t do it all at once. Hand people in laundry their money, check guests out of room, forget to refill the coffee… mistakes, mistakes, mistakes.

They return with the look… stupid, stupid girl. Can’t get it right.

Only I am not stupid. I just… I just can’t think fast. Give me a moment, please!

Sitting in a group. Someone asks me a question. Silence – she’s too shy – and they move on. Please wait, I cry in my head, you didn’t give me enough time. Can’t hear fast. By the time I have processed their words, they have moved on. So frustrating.

Face to face discussions. Fast paced job environment. Pressure. Speed. Demands. Crisis. Can’t do this. Stupid, stupid girl that I am. Can’t ever get it right.

Only I am not. Good memory, slow processor. It takes me time to think. Time to see. Time to hear. Time to process… and in a world that values efficiency, I appear slow. Stupid. Incapable.

But there is so much more than you see. Please, just give me time!


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2 responses to “Autism: Slow Processor

  1. 61chrissterry

    January 2, 2016 at 12:55 pm

    Reblogged this on 61chrissterry.


  2. kazst

    January 2, 2016 at 5:07 pm

    Me too.



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