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Autism: Watching the World Go By

09 Jan

They really ought to post warnings on movies – “scenes from this movie may trigger some individuals,” or something like that. It was a good movie. I liked it a lot, but it was the second one in a row that started out with animals dying. This time, the farmer’s new dog chased all of his sheep over a cliff. Then he shot the dog. Again, I spent the night in tears.

I shook my head, as if that would help clear the images, and tried to block out what I had seen – but I have a lot of trouble with animals dying. Always. And it never gets any easier, and it always triggers thoughts of my own losses.

It snowed yesterday, and the world is covered in white. Truly, it has been snowing quite a bit this season, and the world has been white for a while, but sometimes I look up, and see it. Perhaps if I had to drive, I wouldn’t appreciate it as much, but I am home now, and haven’t driven in over a month. It really is beautiful.

I looked at the houses in my neighbourhood, covered with snow, and some with their Christmas lights still on. We were walking our dog, as we always do in the evenings. The streets were quiet, the houses, lit up, were so pretty, and I was filled with a peace, that added to my tears.

Yesterday, I spent a lot of time wishing for other. Last night, however, with the movie, and the snow, and the lights, I was reminded of all I would leave behind if we moved. I thought of the roses I planted with my youngest daughter; the trees and bushes that I planted with all of my children together; the animals I planted under trees alone, and in tears… I thought of my son, who has spent most of his life here; of his cat, who is really too old to be moved.

Angel's Roses

The memories over the past 12 years in this house, came to me in a flood, and I mourned again the passing of time. I wished again that time would stand still – not that we would stand still, but that we could live, really live, without the loss that comes with that very act of living.

I don’t think my heart can take any more, and I find myself crying, Mercy! No more. Please, No more. It is all too much, the comings and goings, meetings, and partings. And I feel I haven’t the resilience to continue.

It seems a lot of the last couple of weeks I have been focusing on loss, and the passing of time. Perhaps because my Grandmother is dying, 4000 km away. Perhaps it is the age of our cat, or the days that I beg for change (only to remember that even good change requires loss) or the fact that I never expected to arrive at the year 2016.

With that focus, comes a lot of tears. A lot of remembering, and so much of remembering is painful. And I wonder… do I seek the change, because I ache for another lifestyle, and accept the loss that comes with that? Do I stay where I am, for fear of the cost of moving forward, while holding on to a past that really is full of a lot of pain? There is no good answer in this. The world is full of loss, and pain – and beauty, and memories, and where do we turn?

But then I remember, that I really have no choices when it comes to these things – and that is possibly for the best, for my mind is a constant battleground between dreams and longing, and fear of pain. And I long as much to return to the past, and not make the choices that brought me where I am – the ones I longed for, and dreamed about in those days – as I long to change the future. Perhaps then, it is best to just stand still, and watch the world go by outside.

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