My eyes are burning, my stomach hurts, and I am so, so tired. I will myself to overcome, but for whatever reason, I have been stuck in this pattern for a long time. Weeks even. And while this latest medication did seem to help me overcome my depression for a few days after starting – and I felt really good during those days – it didn’t last, and the anxiety was still really bad. That, and the nausea, and the burning eyes, and itchy skin, have brought me to the decision that I must not continue on this medicine, either. But I don’t see my psychiatrist for more than a week, and the side effects remain.
Much as I have been trying to seek out other activities, I have been completely fixated on houses and floor plans for the last week, at least. It makes it very difficult to write about anything else, and I must apologize if my posts are getting repetitive. That is my mind. It is always stuck on something, and while sometimes I can move to other things after a few hours, there are other times where these fixations of mine last for months, and I just need to ride them out.
It is an interesting fixation, and I learn a lot during them, but I feel like I should be doing more with my life than sitting, dreaming, and researching on things that will likely never come to pass.
Today I have been researching cob houses, straw bale houses, and earth ships. I find the more sustainable options, and the idea of being able to build them with my own hands, thrilling… yet I wonder if I ever could. My energy is so low that I can hardly move. There must be a solution for that, but the anti-depressants only seem to make this struggle worse.
Every once in a while, however, I do have bursts of energy – and they often come when I feel inspired by ideas or projects, so it is perhaps possible that I would be able to work on such projects to completion – especially if the project wasn’t too large to begin with, and could be added to in time.
I like the idea of living in a small house. A small area to clean, and maintain, and heat… with enough room, of course, for each of us to have our own space, and not get in each other’s way. I love the thought that cob houses are said to be easy enough for even beginner builders to build – and I took Residential Construction, and built a house once, so I should be able to do that.
It excites me to think of living in an environmentally sustainable home that is inexpensive to build, well insulated, made to last, and built to my own specifications. Okay, perhaps excite is too strong of a word for a day such as this, when my brain is in a fog, and I am struggling to stay awake – but the fixation is strong, and I know that on a good day, I would feel the excitement that comes with that fixation.
These types of homes have been built in British Columbia in the past. I wonder if it would be difficult to get building permits for this style, since it is not traditional. I wonder if it would be difficult to get a mortgage – or if one would even be needed, since these homes are said to be incredibly cheap to build – something like $10/square foot if a person builds it themselves.
I don’t know why I have such a strong desire to do these things. My husband is content to go to work, and be able to afford what he needs. My son is content to be on the computer all day. I likely have less energy than either of them, yet I feel this strong call to build my own house, grow my own food, and live off my own land… and though even the planning leaves me feeling exhausted, still I cannot shake the desire.
Perhaps if I just started small – moved to the land, and built a small home to add to; start my garden with sunflowers, pumpkins, and potatoes, which I know I can grow; learn to keep a fire going… and then build from there, rather than starting with my elaborate plans and burning out before I got started, perhaps I could learn to live the life I crave.