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Autism: How Do I Know?

15 Jan

There is a life out there waiting for me, if only I have the courage to build it. I am sure this is truth, but how do I discern what passions are for the life I am meant to live – the one that will give me energy, and peace – and the ones that are merely obsessions, that would bring about more failure should I attempt them?

It is difficult to find which way to turn, and after so many failures, I am often afraid to try. But I know that some thoughts and ideas provide me with energy, while others drain me of it. Then again, I do not live alone, and the things that give me energy, might then be costly for my husband and son. So how do I know what is right?

Perhaps the idea of keeping up with a blog isn’t the best, since my thoughts continue to repeat for days, months, even years at a time. Not exactly interesting for my readers. But since writing is what I do; truly, it is who I am, the thought of not continuing is an impossible one for me. Since I will write, I might as well continue. I do worry that I am over sharing, though, and that by writing every day, people will get a strong sense of how compulsive and obsessive my brain really is. I am afraid of what people think. But then again, this is who I am, and at least it is real.

I am weak, and dizzy at this time. I haven’t been able to move much for several days. I get shocks through my head from the time I start to wake up in the morning. I assume they continue while I am sleeping, but I just don’t notice them then. I am sure this is caused by my medication, and am hoping to have this resolved soon. Meanwhile, I am too weak to stand a lot of the time, and am even strongly tempted to lie down on the road while I am walking my dog at night.

Despite this lack of energy, and inability to move, I continue to design, and re-design houses for the homestead that I long to own. I see myself building a cob house, or an earthship, despite my back pain, and I see myself healing – without medication – from living such a lifestyle.

If I can’t let it go, perhaps it is the right choice for me, but how do I know? How do I know this is what I am supposed to do, just because the thoughts help to heal me, and won’t go away despite all of the barriers? How do people know what they are called to do – especially if they have an obsessive brain like mine?

And even if this is what I am supposed to do, how do I know that is the property to do it on? And how do I know if I am supposed to build the house myself, design it myself, or just give my ideas to another person to do this for me?

If I built it myself, as the pioneers of the past did, would I then feel settled in my home – or would I continue to feel this restlessness of not belonging in the world which I find myself placed? And if I can’t grow the gardens I dream on the property where I live, how do I know I could do it somewhere else? Is it the lack of tools and supplies that keeps me from following through on this dream, or is it the inability to keep going, and maintain the energy and focus needed to live?

When I was twelve, my father talked my mother into selling their house, and buying my grandparent’s home – which was close by, but on a rural ¾ acre property surrounded by forests and fields. My father liked the house, but my mom was miserable, and we only stayed for 3 years. I loved the wood heat of that house, and when I was overwhelmed (which happened very often) the woods were my refuge, where I would run to quiet my mind. I like it, but she hated it. What if we moved to this property, built our small homestead, and my husband and son hated the life?

Only my husband likes the quiet of the country, and likes to have wood heat, too… but what if he doesn’t want to have to depend on that life? My son doesn’t much like going outside, doesn’t like neighbours, doesn’t like physical exercise or a lot of work – but he is happy with good internet service and a decent sized bedroom. What if I can’t make his space on that property suitable to him, though? I know he is nearly twenty, but I really don’t want him to leave (and if he is only leaving for the sake of leaving, what is the point? All over the world multiple generations live together, why shouldn’t we – especially since he is not interested at this time in girlfriends or other roommates, and would end up living alone.)

But how do I know? All I know is that each and every day I am either focused on this topic, or working against that obsession, which still remains.

I apologize again for the one way track of my brain – but that, I guess, is Aspergers.

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