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Autism: Restless and Exhausted

16 Jan

It may be that the reason I am so focused on this lifestyle is that I am restless. True, I have said that in the past – I am restless, and that is why I want the lifestyle – but maybe I have it backwards.

I understand why I was taken off of work. I understand what must have been seen for me to be approved for disability so fast. All along, I have known of my struggle. I fought it, but never was able to overcome it, and never even did well pretending that I was okay. I am not good at pretending.

Nor do I deny the severe amounts of anxiety that I faced upon going to work. I don’t even deny the exhaustion that I feel on a near continuous basis, or the burn-out that presses on me so heavily, and so quickly, no matter how hard I try to avoid it.

Yet even in these days where I am spending nearly all of my time sitting on my couch because my medicine is making me too dizzy and nauseous to stand, I am restless. I spend most of my days dreaming of a lifestyle that would demand much from me – at least in the beginning… but not truly so much after things have settled down.

I am meant to have something to do, I think, and though that may not be work… and might not even be something that can add to our income, at the very least I could reduce our expenses upon fulfilling these desires. For they are not desires for more, but for less.

A smaller house would take less time to clean. Less to maintain. Less to heat, or cool. The proper type of sustainable house for my area, which appears from my research to be the straw bale house, with an R factor of 35-50! would not even take a lot of wood to heat.

True, there is a learning curve in providing food for myself (and possibly my family, though they are not big on eating vegetables) but people garden for relaxation. Once I know how to do it – and I will garden despite my knowledge, anyway, for I am driven – the activity is more likely to calm and settle me, than to cause the anxiety I know so well.

Gathering wood, and keeping a fire going? Okay, more work… but heating with wood? Calming, peaceful, priceless. I cannot emphasize enough how much I love wood heat (properly installed of course – I am highly sensitive to poor air quality.)

I would be busier there, but busier in a calmer lifestyle. The very activities that would be required of me are the very ones that add to my energy. Working alone, working with the earth, no neighbours, working for my family… all energizing.

And my very favourite activities – writing and designing – I find the inspiration for in the quiet of nature, and in the lifestyle I crave.

So why not? If I believe I would thrive in that environment, why not?

Well, the decision is not mine to make. But since I enjoy the activity, and am much more restless when I fight it, I will continue to research, and dream, write, and design, and perhaps someday my desires shall become reality.

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