It would be okay if I had the flu, or even a cold. Last winter I hurt my back really bad shoveling snow, and I even accepted it then. But right now? At least during those times, I knew it would end someday. This feels like it could last forever, and I wonder, what am I doing here?
My last good day was January 2nd. I remember because after 2 weeks of holidays (which I very much enjoyed) my husband went back to work, and I was able to get back to my routine. It felt wonderful! The next day was Sunday, and I was tired – but that is not abnormal for me. I am often tired on Sundays.
Monday didn’t see any improvement, but my husband was home, and I had few plans. I was okay with that. But then it kept going. As I write this, it is January 16th, and for two weeks I have been exhausted and lying on the couch.
I have forced myself to get up and clean at times, but I am not in it. I like cleaning. Usually, I am really pleased when I get things done. But I have had no energy… not to enjoy it; not to put any real effort into it; not to find life in anything I have done in the past two weeks.
And I have been begging. Begging! For this to end. Very likely a lot of this is caused by the multiple medications that I have been on, or coming off of. And this is why I hate being medicated. But it isn’t like I could have avoided it. The anti-depressants cause so much pain, and allergic reaction, that I have had to take the ibuprofen and antihistamine with them. So many times I tried to get through the nights without them, and ended up having to give in anyway.
So I get back pain on my left side from the antihistamine, which I have had to take since starting the Trintellix in early December. It has done that to me since I first got my grass allergy in 2004, and had to start taking it regularly for 6 months of the year. I get stomach pain and indigestion from the ibuprofen – which is known to cause stomach ulcers with regular use, and makes me nervous. I use to only take that a couple of days a month… but since the Mirtazapine, I have had to take at least 2 every night. That began in September.
Now I am reducing the Cipralex, which I have been taking since early June. It caused so much pain once I was increased to 15mg, that I had to go back down to 10 – the lowest dose. However, the pain never really went away. So after getting off the Mirtazapine, and still being in pain, I knew I had to get off the Cipralex as well. But going down to 5mg has caused over a week of shock like sensations (like constant mini-seizures, or like I told my husband, “as frequent as the flashes in the old movies that were shown from reels.”)
So I am dizzy, nauseous, exhausted all the time, being shocked, am in pain, am all over itchy, sneezy, and have to take so many medications just to counteract the effects from others, but these cause further issues.
Well, despite my doctors advice not to take it, I have had to start taking gravol over the last few nights for the upset stomach and dizziness. The bonus to this is that taking it at night, I no longer require the antihistamine or ibuprofen. It isn’t that those issues went away, but that the gravol is so effective in getting me to sleep, and keeping me there. But apparently that is supposed to be really bad for my anxiety.
But the real problem for me is that I have spent the last two weeks struggling to get up off the couch. That may be a necessity in trying to get over some virus, but in this situation, I wonder if I will ever get better. Will I ever be able to move again?
And it reminds me of when I see shows about psychiatric hospitals, and everyone is going around in their pajamas – and I ask, every time, “will that not just make them more depressed?” How do you overcome depression if you can’t move? How do you find life worth living when you do nothing?
I can’t see that anyone would ask for this life. Sure, with disability I get money to sit at home – but I can honestly say that I would much rather rid myself of the anxiety, and be able to go to work. At least then, I would have something to get up for.
However, with the fact that the anti-depressants (and I have now tried 7 different kinds, and had bad side effects from all of them) cause me to be more anxious, and much more depressed, I wonder if I will ever be well enough to really live.