Between the exhaustion that has overtaken me, and the side effects from the medication that I am on (or perhaps something else, it is hard to tell at this point) I have had a pretty rough month. Add to that the strong anxiety that I always feel, and the hopelessness that clouds my mind during this time of weakness, and there seems to be little I can do. Little I will ever do again.
Unless I am truly sick, and won’t get better when I get off of these medications (which I am currently working towards) than something has to improve. The think is, I can’t see it at this time.
I design my houses (because the obsession will still not let go – and besides, what else will I do when standing makes me dizzy and nauseous?) and spend my hours on this, even though I am quite sure what I seek would make my family’s life harder, including my own, and that if we were to move, it would be better to live on a small property in town. I know this, and still spend nearly all of my time obsessing about the (impossible for me) lifestyle of a homesteader.
There is a struggle within me to find the place where I belong – and since I don’t feel it, I guess it can’t be here. But it is more likely that what I seek cannot be found in this life, and I must find a way to find calm in a world that I am not built for.
I have so much desire to be good at something, yet I have not found anything that I am especially gifted in, or have any real talent for. I am not one of those people, who though given some challenge, or disability in life, were also given a gift that might compensate for that.
Or perhaps all I desire has been taken from the gifts I admire in others, and has little to do with who I am. If everyone has some gift, how do I find mine?
Within my faith, it is said that when we give our lives over go God, the Holy Spirit comes and we are given spiritual gifts. So very frequently throughout my Christian life, I have taken a Spiritual Gifts Inventory. And always the answers are the same… My number one gift is Mercy. Okay, I can see that, as my level of empathy is incapacitating at times. But when I am afraid of people (as I always am), and am so awkward talking to them, and have no idea how to respond to their pain, how does that gift of Mercy help people?
My second gift on the list is Giving. That makes sense, also, for when people are hurting… and people always are, I want to give, and give, and give some more – and I can’t for the life of me understand how people who do have money can spend it on such unnecessary things (huge vacation properties, expensive vehicles, things…) when so many people in the world are starving. It makes no sense to me at all. Yet for all of that desire to give, I can’t bring myself past my anxiety and disability to make the money of my own to give away.
What good are gifts if I can’t use them, and have had little opportunity to test them to see if they are true?
So instead, I spend my time obsessing over abilities that I have never had – gardening, crafts, building, designing, creating… and do nothing to figure out who I was really supposed to be. And I wish someone would just tell me who I am, and who I am supposed to be. But I guess that is something I will have to figure out on my own.