The days are all blending together, and I am afraid that if these issues don’t resolve themselves soon, I will fall into a depression that will be impossible for me to climb out of on my own. I am being weaned off of all of my medications. That explains the symptoms, but doesn’t help me to overcome them.
The shocks are really bad today. When I am lying down on the couch, there is a tingling in my forehead, and a struggle to maintain thoughts. When I stand up, it is as if I am being electrocuted, and the nausea is overwhelming.
Since I was still being shocked when I first went to the psychiatrist last June, from the anti-depressants I was on for two weeks in 2008, the fear that this will not go away in the near future is very real. I don’t do well with medications. I want to say that I never have, but I really don’t know the truth of that, since I was so sick as a child, I really have no memory of whether the experiences were from illness or medication.
The winter I was sixteen, I was called into the school office. I was in eleventh grade, and it still seems unreal to me. They told me that they had no record of my having been vaccinated. My doctor didn’t have the records, either. It is strange because on top of knowing I had all of my vaccinations, I had also lived in the same city all of my life, and had been at that school for three years. Never before had they had this concern.
So I went to my doctor, but as they couldn’t prove I had my vaccinations, I had to have them all redone (from newborn up.) I guess I could say I am double vaccinated for everything.
I am certainly not saying that caused my Autism. I had most of my struggles for as long as I can remember. What I do remember is that many of my mental health issues came strongly upon me within a few months of that event. I am not even saying they caused that, as a completely separate even in my life, which happened one to two months after these series of vaccinations, brought out a severe case of PTSD, which was completely reflective of my traumatic childhood.
From there, things snowballed. A week after that second event (which I will not share at this time, as the issue was due to my own naivety, and not exactly the other person’s fault) I started smoking – something I was completely against (and repulsed by) up until the night before I tried my first cigarette. Two weeks later, which coincided with mid-terms of my second semester at school, I couldn’t bring myself to go inside the school.
At that point, I had really good grades in all of the courses I was taking. They all interested me very much, and I had never had so many classes at once that I enjoyed. I would go to school, and the time would come to go inside, and I couldn’t bring myself to go through the doors. That lasted straight through to summer, so needless to say, I failed that semester.
Over the next few months, the flashbacks became so constant, I was almost afraid to blink. I was paranoid, afraid of the dark, afraid to be alone, incapable of functioning in the classroom, constantly anxious, and completely dependent on my boyfriend. I wouldn’t go anywhere without him, and was even tearing my hair out, and considering cutting, when I couldn’t see him.
I was brought to the doctor, and every medication that was tried on me that summer – whether birth control pills, or anti-depressants, or whatever else they prescribed to me, I had serious side effects from. Ever since then, I have had bad side effects from all medications. I don’t exactly know the cause, but it is my belief that something that year – Winter through Spring of 1993 – set off this inability to tolerate medications.
I quit smoking two summers later. Five or six years later, the PTSD calmed down a little, and wasn’t strong again until my children were first removed in the summer of 2008. As the birth control pills caused such side effects, I stopped taking them after a few months. So perhaps it was the vaccinations that created my intolerance to medications – or maybe I only noticed it then because things got to be so bad that year, and I had to take so much as a result of that.
I may never know. However, as I am living with the effects so bad at this time, I am both afraid of trying again, and wishing I had answers to why this is so hard on me to begin with.