Autism: Avoidance

08 Feb

All day I have been trying to talk myself into it… Okay, maybe trying is a bit strong a word. More I have been panicking, and doing whatever I could find to occupy my mind, and stop thinking about it. I know I have to. I know at some point, it must be done – and once it is, perhaps I can calm down.

I didn’t say I was being logical. How often is anxiety logical?

The letter came in last night. I was even warned it was coming, and that when it arrived, I would have to make the phone call. So I was preparing myself, and even talking about it. The letter is a good thing. It tells me that I am eligible for services through community living BC (did I mention that I live in BC?)

I am not sure exactly what that means. I have been doing my normal research, and looking it up online, but my brain appears not to be working lately (I think it has to do with the constant shocks) and despite all of the information, I really can’t figure out what they do. Help with employment, maybe, but even I now agree that is not the right option at this time (a lot has changed since they took me off of work.)

Still, they do other types of supports, so maybe something will help. Only I need to call them. I need to call them to set up the appointment. I am sure that my struggle with the phone is listed in their paperwork on me, but the paper (and the warning email – not that it was really a warning, she just let me know it would be coming) both said I would have to call.

So I thought, do it right away. Get it over with. Of course, that didn’t happen. On went the tablet for Facebook games, and then… well, I had to get my Sims through their Junior year at college… and then I might as well work on their Senior year – after all, I want them to get back to their home, so someone can take care of the baby (the babysitter is neglectful, and the mom can’t really afford to quit work unless someone else contributes to the family.)

Then I thought that I would call after lunch – but I barely looked at the phone before I turned on Netflix, and watched three episodes of House. Meanwhile, my anxiety is growing, and I can barely feel my cheeks (the anxiety makes the shocks more numbing, apparently.)

I have to go out tonight, and yet I am blocking out all thoughts of obligations, so I haven’t even had my shower (and my son just reminded me that I forgot it was my turn to make supper.) I can’t think!

For this? I don’t know how people do it. While I assure myself that I will make the call tomorrow, somehow even I don’t believe it. If I wait, do you think someone else will make the call???

I didn’t think so.

Avoiding. I hate the phone. Why couldn’t they have just asked me to email them? They would have got an essay then.


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