The argument was not supposed to come out. I only wanted to express how regretful I feel at times after talking. But as usual, once I do start sharing, too much comes out.
It is hard for me to know when to stop – and so when I am inspired, or find myself being encouraged in talking (more likely for the fact that it is so rare, than the actual ideas that are coming out) than the words flow like a dam that has broken.
When I had my children, and I was asked about them, I would share. And the response was, “wow!” Too much. Idiot me, I finally have something to talk about, and much of it shouldn’t be said.
These social rules baffle me. Over and over again. People seem uncomfortable with my silence – and for me, it feels really awkward to talk about nothing… the weather, sports games, who knows what else. What is the point? And much as I know that is what they want me to talk about, I can’t do it. Even listening to it is hard.
Having always felt on the outside, I have spent much of my life observing people – and the conversations all seem… I don’t know. Scripted, I guess. Different people, different places, same conversations over and over. Same jokes. Same comments. Same arguments. What is the point?
I can’t talk about nothing – but get me started on something, and I can’t seem to stop. So I share too much, even when in my head I am screaming at myself to stop.
They don’t want to hear this.
They don’t want to know this.
Just talk about the weather, already.
Why can’t I learn?
And then because I spoke, people judge me. “She must be overwhelmed in dealing with her children.” (Or not, perhaps I was just excited to finally have something to talk about!) “It sounds like you are enjoying yourself working in construction.” (No, truly I think I am going to fail – but as long as I have something to say…)
And very frequently, when I feel I have shared too much, I look back with longing at all those years that I couldn’t even speak when I wanted to.
Yet in trying to express that longing, once more I fear I have shared too much.
I won’t take it down (this is a place where I am supposed to share my struggles, and hopefully someday successes as well – I can’t do that if I hide.) But I will say that I am sorry. I am sorry if people were offended, or if people disagree, or if what I wrote was the wrong thing to say… Because really, I have no idea what I am doing, and much as I feel in the moment that my opinions are kind, honest, good… what do I know?