The day is dark, but I doubt even sun would make a difference today. I am tired. Tired of lying on the couch. Tired of watching Netflix over and over. Tired of reading about things, or dreaming of things, that I wouldn’t have the energy to work on if I tried. Just tired.
Years ago, when my son was a baby, my mother told me that she was tired. Too tired to want to live forever. Discouraged. Disconnected. Exhausted. What is life if you can’t bring yourself to move. Though I was exhausted, too, I took a different view of it. Feeling like it would take an eternity to learn to live well, that is what I was pleading for. Eternity.
Twenty years later, she has a life – taking care of my brother’s family. While she is exhausted still, she has much to live for. It is me who is feeling so overwhelmed and exhausted, that I no longer ask for more days, only to make it through this one.
No, I am not suicidal. Not at this moment, anyway. It is just… for so long I have been wishing to return to the past, and make different choices – or to be able to start again where I am. But now? Now I am too tired to dream. Too tired to want to fix anything. Too tired to start again.
I am hoping, like my mom, that I will find life again. But unlike her, I have only one child – who has no desire to be a father. And even the thought of having grandchildren doesn’t help me through. Both because I don’t believe I will ever have them, and because I am too tired now to think I could find contentment even in that.
How do people do it? To keep getting up day after day, and doing much of the same things… work, or family, or recreation, or all of these… when even getting up takes me more energy than I have, I can’t understand it.
I want to live. To really live! But really, at this point in my life, I have no idea of what that would look like. There are no hobbies, no occupations, no dreams that energize me now. So where will I find that energy?
But I guess that this is what depression is. Not a constant flood of tears (though that comes often, too) but more of an exhaustion that darkens all thoughts and plans until it seems that nothing will ever be okay again.