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Autism: Failed Plans

03 Mar

When I made the resolution – as I am sure is true for most people – I had every intention of following through. I mean, even the idea of continuing to eat that way was repulsive, and the taste, and… well, there seemed to be no real reason why I should fail. But fail I did.

I don’t even think I made it a couple of weeks. And it isn’t as if I don’t have the will, or the determination, or anything else I required to continue on the path that I had chosen. It certainly wasn’t a decision that I made happily.

No. It came more like a resignation. At that point in my life, that choice was impossible to live out.

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If I had considered all sides, I probably would have known this, and waited. Had I remembered what it feels like in coming off of anti-depressants, and the nausea… I would have understood that my timing was bad.

I could choose to return to veganism (which I lived pretty well for a couple of years) – or – I could wean myself off of my medication. But to do both? Impossible. At least, not something I could do at the same time, which is what I did.

I suppose that is why New Year’s Resolutions are not really a great idea. I mean, it feels really good to have a new start, and maybe it is okay to decide to make some minor changes at this time – but for me, it is all or nothing.

This year, that all or nothing thing meant I was not going to eat any meat or dairy, and I was going to go completely off of my medications. And that all or nothing attitude brought me once more to failure.

It wasn’t failure in the vegan thing because I was craving meat or anything – it is “just” that I was so sick from the reduction in my medication that everything – and I mean everything! That I tried to eat threatened to come back out. It didn’t, but the point is, it felt that way. So the goal, rather than being avoiding foods, was to get anything in that would go in.

And it wasn’t even that the meat made me less nauseous than the vegetables. No, it was more about speed, and the ability (or inability as the case was) to keep the foods in my home. Since I wasn’t able to get out to do any shopping, and since fresh fruits and vegetables take time to wash and prepare, and since my husband and son were already eating meat and potatoes meals… and since I couldn’t get up to cook, or do anything most of the time, I ended up eating with them.

Despite that failure with my diet, I wasn’t even able to completely get off my medications, either. For about six weeks I tried, and as I said, was so sick I couldn’t even get up or eat well. So I had to give in (a little) and settle at a lower dose.

Now, even though I have already failed at these resolutions, I still haven’t given up. I fully intend to stop taking my medications, just as I fully intend to stop eating meat and dairy… it is just going to take longer than I had originally planned.

 

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