Autism: Why Hasn’t She Come?

18 Mar

It has been six days, and it amazes me, in a sad sort of way, how quickly life goes on. My grandmother is gone. My grandmother is gone! For nearly forty years, she has been a strong part of my life. Even while I have lived so far away, I have thought of her, and missed her most every day – and my plans to return home have always included anticipation in seeing her.

How do we reorganize our lives and move on, when what was true every day for twenty, forty, sixty years, will never be the same? The very fact that I can find joy in the moment, without her, makes me sad.

I was expecting her to visit me in my dreams. Since the death of my “Uncle” Sam, when I was eight years old, I have dreamed of those who have passed very quickly after they were taken from the world. Even people who were not that close to me, played some part in my dreams, though I more saw them than spoke to them.

Yet it has been six days, and nothing – and that, too, makes me very sad.

There have been times I have felt her with me in these days – when I was at church, and wondered what she would have thought over the songs and the message (would my faith affect her belief?) When I was walking through my house, our out along the trail, thinking of her – is she finally able to see my home? (For she was never able to travel here since I moved so far away, and she never did see where I lived, even when I got married.)

Since it is the physical that I feel so strongly traps me in distance especially, I feel at times that the absence of the physical body would provide so much more freedom in that sense (like when I am dreaming, and am able to fly to other parts of the world, and visit people in my dreams.) I obviously don’t know the truth in this, but it does give me some peace that my grandma might be able to visit me now.

So why hasn’t she? Perhaps when I feel her with me, she actually is… maybe? But if she would come to me in my dreams, I could talk to her. I could see her. I might know then… is she upset with me? Is she hurt that I didn’t visit her when I knew she was sick? Is she angry with me for something?


And my mind, which obsesses over these things, continues to wonder why she hasn’t visited me (when everyone else has. So I pray, please tonight, Lord, let my grandma come to me in my dreams.


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