Perhaps I shouldn’t be writing as often as I do. It has become a compulsion to me – something I must do, even when I don’t want to. I suppose it is a decent exercise – to write every day – that I will learn, and become better at it. At least that is my hope, and the encouragement which I have heard. But then, is it always appropriate that my writing be published?
For I do write every day. I would write every day, even if I didn’t publish it to my blog. I write in my journal. I write letters to myself. I write down plans and inspirations. I do write every day.
I also know that while I like some of what I publish to my blog, there are those days… the ones when I am so anxious, or so distracted, that my thoughts don’t flow properly. I read my words, and find that some sentences just don’t belong; or that I know what I want to say, and feel it would be a good topic to discuss – only it doesn’t come out right.
And perhaps if I were to alter this compulsion of mine, so that maybe I chose to publish three times a week, instead of six, maybe the writing would become better (and not fill up people’s in-boxes.)
At the same time, I wonder if writing less, would cause me to hide more. What I want to share in this blog is truth. Truth about who I am, and the struggles I face, so that maybe – if just one person reads what I have written, and is able to relate – maybe others will be comforted by the thought that they are not, in fact, as alone as I often feel.
If I chose to write less (or at least, publish to my blog less) – especially with the fact that I consider this my work – would that be another failure on my part? Another attempt to reduce any sense of commitment on my part… another choice to run from anything that might bring me a feeling of shame or failure?
It is hard for me to know what is the right thing to do. It is even harder knowing that what is right for one person, is not right for another. So how do I know? How do I know if what I am doing is the best thing for me, or if I am just running again? And how do I choose, when I know that many of my choices in the past have been wrong (and I have spent the years since regretting them?) Is it any wonder that every decision causes me anxiety?
However, I am thinking at this time, as I reflect on those days where I just can’t seem to write to the best of my ability, that I should reconsider this compulsion, and maybe be easier on myself by allowing some days to slip by without posting to my blog. Only even now, I don’t know what I will decide. What will win out – the reality, or the compulsion? Only time will tell, I suppose.