I think it came as a result of something I was reading. He was sitting on the chair beside me, and I suppose I was being very vocal about the words. As I have mentioned in the past, I have difficulty with swear words. It isn’t so much a matter of principal – more the way they make me feel… like someone cooking Kraft dinner in the house, or the smell of barbecues. Fine for some people. Fine for most people. I acknowledge that.
It isn’t that I feel these things are the worst things in the world, but the smells, the sounds, the words… they leave me feeling very sick. No exaggeration They quickly have me curled up in the fetal position, in tears, and wanting to die.
But it isn’t like I care at all if someone does these things in their house – unless I am there. I would even admit that it is not my place to say anything about it… only – please, please, please, don’t do it when I am there. I can’t explain it. It may seem rude – but remember that I have an extremely sensitive central nervous system. When I say it is bad, when it seems to hurt me, it is not an exaggeration It really does!
So back to the words. I know it is common for people to say them – and really, I don’t care. Just… I don’t want to hear them. I don’t want to read them. I block them out as much as I can, but I am so visual, that as soon as I hear them, as soon as I read them, the picture is in my mind. I can’t help it – and believe me when I say, “it is not pleasant.”
A few days ago, he was on the chair, visiting me – and I was trying to listen to him, while reading an article. And I kept coming to the same place over and over, and that word! I probably would have just skipped right over it, but I was distracted, and got stuck there.
He laughed at me, and then confessed, “I swear all the time,” he said. What? Those words are bad! Now truly, he has never sworn at me – not once, and he is turning twenty this weekend. It isn’t like he is some young child, and even I have to admit, most people his age do. Most adults do.
Since he doesn’t ever swear around me, I really don’t care – but it has been so much fun teasing him on it. For instance, every time he comes to visit me now, I will remind him to “try not to swear at me.” Or, since he told me he does swear at his cat (and she does cry frequently – mostly because she is just about to turn 18, and is almost deaf and blind, and is asking him where he is) I tell him, “it is no wonder China cries all the time.” I say it in a teasing way (I think) and he often turns away and laughs.
At the same time, he told me yesterday that I was a “control freak.” No, he wasn’t being mean – it was teasing much the same way I do to him – but I could also tell he felt there was some truth to it (especially in regards to the swearing.)
But the thing is, I am obsessive. I am compulsive. I suppose that due to my Aspergers, I do fixate on things. I can’t let go. I can’t! But it isn’t like I want to control him. It is more that I want to control my environment – for so many things hurt.
I guess that he was worried about what I thought, for today, after days of teasing him (I guess it was a big confession on his part) I told him that I really don’t care that much. I am just glad he doesn’t swear around me – which led us to talking about the way we think – how he hears his thoughts, where I see them… all of them. And I think that is what makes all the difference. After I told him that I really didn’t care, he seemed much more comfortable talking to me. I didn’t mean to make him feel bad – but it was really fun to tease him.