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Autism: What Would They Think?

20 Apr

I never could do them. Not even when I was a child. So I am not sure where the fear comes from. Is it a fear of losing control? Of looking silly? Of having people look at me? Judge me? I have never given in to the temptation… is it a temptation? I never really want to do this at other times.

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There I am, out with a group of people… siting on a couch, sitting on the ground, going for a walk… doesn’t really matter what I am doing. It only matters that other people are around me.

I never really feel this fear when I am with my son. Maybe because I am not afraid of what he thinks of me – not for what I do, or say, anyway. He is the only person that doesn’t bring out such fear in me. The only one!

But there I am, quietly minding my own business, and trying very hard not to call attention to myself, when the pictures start flashing through my mind.

Me, doing a cartwheel in someone’s house.

Me, flipping upside down on their couch.

Me, doing a head stand.

Me, walking on my hands.

Me, rolling onto the floor, and stretching out.

Me, climbing up the tree beside me.

Me, hanging upside down on the branch.

Me… doing all of these things I never do. Never would do. Yet there I am, in my mind, doing them – while surrounded by people. And it scares me. What would they think? How would they react? How could I show my face again?

And while I am there, looking all calm, and quietly sitting (behaving myself) – in my mind, I have already lost control, and they have no idea.

Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. I have been uncoordinated all of my life. I have never once successfully did a cartwheel. Even a front or back roll is beyond my abilities. I haven’t the arm strength to climb a tree. I haven’t the balance to stand on my head…

But if I did – what would they think?

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