No medication today. It isn’t that I am completely off, that has been a very rough, and slow process, and I am still working on it – but my last pill was two days ago, and my next isn’t until tomorrow. So much less that I had been prescribed. So much less. Yet I am sitting here feeling content!
I haven’t been sleeping well. I haven’t been eating great… healthy, okay, but not well for me. It seems my body is not made the same as other people, and what is ‘normal’ and ‘healthy’ for them often leaves me feeling sick and bloated. It isn’t that unhealthy foods leave me feeling good, but that bread, dairy, meat, and even cooked vegetables all seem to leave something to be desired. I will work on it, but that certainly hasn’t contributed to my mood.
It is also one of those weeks. The kind that always leaves me feeling sad, irritated, hopeless. Yet I am not. Above that, in two days it is my youngest ‘daughter’s’ birthday. Three days after that is my middle ‘daughter’s’ birthday. Consistently one of the hardest weeks of the year for me since they were moved over six years ago. That sadness may still come to overwhelm me, but it isn’t here now, and that in itself is a miracle.
I doubt that I will ever heal fully (or heal much) from the traumas of my past – after all, how does anyone ever get over the loss and feeling of failure when one child is taken from them, let alone three? But today I am okay. Today I feel peace.
I spent today cleaning. I hadn’t the energy for it, and really had to push myself to start – but the truth is, I like cleaning. I like vacuuming, washing carpets, doing laundry, even cleaning bathrooms. I like how things feel when they are clean, as much as I detest clutter, dirt, and mess. Even more than that, though, I like the action of cleaning itself. I find it soothing, and like that I don’t have to think about it much while I am doing it.
I suppose in this day and age, it is not exactly acceptable for women to admit… (am I the only one who likes this?) that they like cleaning, knitting, sewing, being a housewife… in short, “woman’s work.” But I do. I don’t have the energy to do it a lot. I don’t have the body strength to keep it up. I couldn’t do it as an occupation (I know – it was part of my last job – and I liked it, but I couldn’t keep it up.) I am not even especially good at it. But I do like it.
So without medication. Without work to “feel I am contributing.” Without leaving my house, or meeting with other people, or volunteering, or… any of those things people advise to help overcome anxiety and depression, I feel good. Today, against all odds, I feel good. And I am thankful for that.