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Autism: Everything I’ve Loved

10 Jun

Oh my God, no. Please, no.

He must have heard the cry a million times before, or more. What is one more cry to add to the multitudes? Oh my God, no. Please, no. Let this be a nightmare that I will wake up from… but the morning doesn’t come.

This is a picture of my dog at noon on June 8, 2016.

Gryffindoor June 8 2016 001

An hour later we were at the vets. An hour later we were saying goodbye. He wasn’t even eight years old. My poor, poor little boy. And my heart has been torn out of my chest, and is exploding like his did. Oh my God, no. Please, please, no.

But the brokenness remains, and the emptiness remains, and I will carry it with me the rest of my living days, like all the others. And when everyone I have loved is torn away from me, and the pain hurts so much… I did everything right! Again, I did everything right. And he died anyway.

And I hate, hate, HATE, this broken world that takes everything from me.

And I want my dog. And I want my children. And I want my grandma, and my cat, and my mom, and… broken. Lost. Painful. Will I ever, ever be healed?

He was just a baby. My baby. Not even eight years old. And he had a little cough, that turned into a worse cough, that grew worse – and we brought him in. And we tried three different medications. And we got the x-rays, and had them sent off to be read. And when he fell over the second time this morning, I called the vet, and brought him in. I did everything. Everything.

And once more, my everything wasn’t enough to save him.

So my Gryffindor. I thought it was too fast, and I didn’t have a song for you like I had for the rest of them – but the truth is, I have been singing your song all day.

I HATE that you were taken from me. It breaks my heart that you are gone, my little, little, boy.

Oh my God, no.

“Lost,

everything is lost,

and everything I’ve loved before is gone.

Alone,

Like the coming of the frost,

And a cold winter’s chill in my stony heart.

Where were You when all that I’ve hoped for,

Where were You when all that I’ve dreamed

Came crashing down in shambles around me?

You were on the cross.

Pain.

Could You take away the pain?

If I find someone to blame, would it make my life seem easier?

Alone.

All my friends are asleep,

And I can’t find anyone to stay awake with me.

Where were You when sin stole my innocence?

Where were You when I was ashamed,

Hiding in a life I wish I’d never made?

You were on the cross,

My God, my God, all along

All along.

You were on the cross,

You died for us, all along,

All along.

You were on the cross,

Victorious, all along,

All along.

And You were there in all of my suff’ring.

You were there in doubt and in fear.

I’m waiting on the dawn to re-appear.”

RIP Gryffindor July 24, 2008 – June 8, 2016. My beautiful, beautiful, boy.

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One response to “Autism: Everything I’ve Loved

  1. kazst

    June 10, 2016 at 12:14 pm

    😦

    Like

     

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