First off, I want to say that I am not angry. Frequently in my life when I have tried to express things like this, people assume I am angry, and become defensive. I am not angry. I just wonder…
- I wonder how when everyone who knew me as a child, teen, adult – commented on how very ‘quiet’ and ‘private’ I was, they never concluded that there might be a reason for this.
- I wonder how when every child in my class from first grade on knew I was different from them, the adults didn’t think to figure out why.
- I wonder how when my school file, and past report cards, all told my teachers that I hardly spoke, didn’t participate, and didn’t play with the other children – they never thought to look into it.
- I wonder why when all of my attempts to communicate over my first thirty years or so seemed to be awkward, misunderstood, and even offensive to other people, they couldn’t see my struggle – and instead chastised me for being ‘rude.’
- I wonder why when I failed at all of my attempts as a child and teen to ‘fit in’… when I followed my boyfriends or friends to other people’s houses, not realizing that I wasn’t welcome… when they would comment on how I would just sit silently on a couch looking uncomfortable, and they wondered why I came at all… why no one advised me to ‘get help.’
- I wonder why, when as an adult, I experienced one failure after another in life – why they turned against me in anger, and never seemed to consider that I might not be able to succeed. After all, they often mentioned that they saw how hard I was trying.
- I wonder why, when after thirty-eight years, I was finally diagnosed with Aspergers – and no one was surprised or questioned the diagnosis – why they never suggested I get checked before.
- I wonder why I spent nearly forty years surrounded in people who knew I was not like everyone else, and rather than asking if there might be a reason for that difference, blamed me for everything I got wrong until I was so full of shame and doubt that I was too anxious to live…
- I wonder why when everyone noticed, still I had to fight alone.
I am not angry. I just look back at my life and wonder…
Why didn’t they know?