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Autism: The Trouble With Sharing

04 Jul

It was my own fault. I saw a question, and I had to answer it. And it isn’t like the people who read it know me – not really know me. They are an online group. So if I don’t follow through, it isn’t like they will come up to me and say, “liar.”

The question? What are your plans for today. An easy enough question. I had a list in my head. I nearly always wake up with a list. It helps me to organize my day, and do something productive.

Today I thought I would:

  • clean the bathrooms
  • wash my husbands clothes
  • vacuum the floors
  • write my blog
  • practice my Spanish
  • practice my keyboard
  • possibly do some shopping since due to car trouble earlier in the week, we now have two vehicles insured for a few months (my husband couldn’t get less than 3 months insurance, or at least, it would have cost more for less time, or something like that.)

It was a good list, I though. A good amount to intend to do – however, the shopping thing… even thinking of going shopping floods me with anxiety, and I am burnt out before I even begin. I know that if I go shopping, I will perseverate on Pinterest or something for the rest of the day, so I have to plan it well.

And then I wrote out my list for ‘all the world to see,’ and it was commented that “wow, you have a lot of energy.” (or not!) That was my list. The blog, Spanish, and keyboard are the easy parts – they require thought, not energy, and not a whole lot of time. Only once I am anxious, it is very hard for me to focus, function, think…

So I wrote my list, and became anxious (now I have to do these things, since I wrote them down. Otherwise it is a lie, right?) And that anxiety left me fixated on Facebook of all places – I go to Facebook for news, and groups, and anything beyond that mostly just annoys me. Facebook is ‘too much’ most of the time. And I was fixated for nearly 3 hours before I could get myself to do anything.

I pushed myself to get up and start the laundry. That had to be done at the very least. I always do my husband’s laundry on Saturdays. The routine helps me to keep up with it – and I know that I struggle to get anything done while he is home on Sundays and Mondays – so Saturdays it is.

The laundry was in, and I was up. I made my lunch, and mixed up some gluten free banana bread (gluten free – that was the topic I had in mind for today, but…) This is the first time I tried making it gluten free, and it is baking as I type. I hope it turns out okay.

Of course, then I sat down again, and my anxiety grew. What was I thinking making a list so long? Only it didn’t seem so long before I wrote it out, because until then, it was only an idea. Now??? How can I possibly get through it all?

I picked up my tablet, and forced myself to practice my Spanish. Ten minutes, or not even – and I do like it. I do. But now I have to do these things, it makes it so much harder for me to actually do them.

With my heart racing, I prayed for calm enough to focus as I started writing this blog. But my mind is pulling me to the book sitting beside me, and I have a strong feeling I won’t get much else accomplished today.

And once again I wish I was more like the little girl I used to be – the one who had so much going on inside, but was mute to the world 99 percent of the time. If no one knew what I was thinking, they would have no cause to doubt me. I think I was wiser as a child, before I tried so hard to be ‘normal.’

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