I haven’t been out so much since probably last summer when we were camping. It isn’t that I haven’t wanted to, but…
How quickly I forget how much being outside calms me – when it is quiet and peaceful, that is. If there is one thing I need right now, it is calm, for my anxiety has been extreme since the loss of my dog. It keeps coming back to that. I am sorry. I do fixate. That is, if nothing else, a consistent trait.
Gryff used to enjoy going out into the yard alone. I went along for his evening walk each day, and sometimes more, but I only stayed in the yard with him if I had something to do. Not even then. He didn’t mind me being there with him, and he even liked it at times. But he was an independent dog, and mostly he didn’t care.
Not Clara, though. I doubt I would even feel safe leaving her out alone if she wasn’t so scared, and so new. She really is a tiny thing – smaller than my Pomeranian. Smaller than my cats. Smaller even than my rabbits were. We have eagles, and crows, and… well, she is so small, even cats might be a danger (not mine – they get along fine!)
Clara doesn’t like to be alone. The first few days, she was scared, and hid in her corner – but in the room where I was. In those days (as if they were so long ago, and not just a week past) she would sit right next to me when we went out, trembling in fear.
Now she has become my shadow – partly due to her personality, and partly due to me training her to come to me, and not be afraid when I moved around. So out of necessity (and good weather) we have been spending several hours outside each day. Mostly I have nothing to do but to sit and watch her exploring her world. It is so quiet and peaceful, and I am thankful for this.
As for my routine – with death and life, my anxiety is high. Thinking, functioning, maintaining my routine… all are impossible for me right now. Even writing these blog posts have been especially hard these past few weeks.
At least I have this, and it helps me to know that though it was my own desperation that brought her to me, and much too soon at that, adopting Clara was the right choice for me.