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Autism: For That Moment

17 Aug

I was sitting on my front porch, book in hand, tea beside me, just enjoying the moment. It isn’t often I am able to do that – enjoy the moment – for I am filled with such high anxiety most of the time. What is going to happen? Who will I lose next? How much will it hurt? But in that moment? Peace. Wonderful, merciful, peace.

It was cool that morning, and I knew it wouldn’t last. Despite how tired I have been, and how sad over the loss of my Gryffindor, I was very thankful that Clara woke me up early enough to enjoy this. The rest of the day would be too hot. Of that, I was certain. Within the hour, we would have to go inside, and close up the windows. But at that moment, we were outside together, and I was reminded of all that was good.

The water was running from the hose. Our sprinkler broke sometime last year, so I have been watering my flowers by hand. I guess they don’t get as much that way, so it is a good thing I planted drought tolerant flowers. When I was done watering them, I put the hose on the trees and bushes, left it there for 5-10 minutes (depending on the plant) and then moved it to the next. It was a Friday. Our watering day. Therefore, it was okay to do this.

In between, I sat on the porch. I drank my tea, and read my book (Assassins – one of the Left Behind books) and watched my dog explore the yard. My son’s 18 year old cat sat on the porch beside me. Though we have been in this house for nearly 13 years, she only started going outside this year. I guess she was enjoying the coolness of the morning, too.

Often when I am out there, I am overwhelmed by how much should be done to clean up our yard and house, and by how different it is from our neighbours yards. Frequently I am struck by how much I don’t belong in this place we have called home for longer than I have lived anywhere else in my life. In that moment, however, I was thankful… content.

I really like how my wildflowers turned out along the fence line. I love how full and healthy the trees and bushes I planted some years ago are looking this summer. I am thankful that China is still with us at 18 years old, and thought how pleased the people we got her from would be if I could tell them (which I can’t, since though they were friends of my father, I haven’t had contact with them since the day we brought her home.) And I was thankful for Clara, who though so terrified in the beginning, has settled well into my life.

Vacation July 2016 004

Then it started to get hot, and we went inside. The rest of the day was spent struggling with overwhelming anxiety (with no obvious or new trigger) and exhaustion. But for that moment, I had peace, and I was truly thankful.

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