Most of the time I just can’t feel it. Most of the time. I am so often full of fear, and sadness, and… it isn’t that I try to be a negative person, just… it is so hard to ignore reality. So even when I see the beauty in the world (and I do) I also see so much hurt, and so much evil, and it makes it hard to feel really, truly happy.
And then those days come when my focus shifts. Almost always it comes from a place of comfort:
- sitting by a fire
- finding something to eat that tastes good, and doesn’t make me sick (very rare)
- being in my garden with no one around but my dog
- walking in nature, or sitting, or…
Last week I was away camping at the lake. Most of the week, we had the place to ourselves, which is highly unusual. I do like visiting with people there. Don’t get me wrong. It is just… food, and people often bring me to meltdown (especially when they are mixed.)
Even so, I was feeling very reflective most of the week – which for me means I cried a lot! I missed my dog that died. I missed my kids. I cried for the child I was – and for the child I still really am. I cried because my new dog, Clara, got scared at the sound of a vehicle approaching while we were on our walk, and ran towards it (when she has up until that moment run to me in fear) and could have been hit. She wasn’t, but she could have been, and that scared me. So I cried – and she cried right along with me, and refused to go onto the road after that.
In the midst of all that reflection, sadness, and fear, however, I had moments where I was truly feeling happy. In one of those moments, I sat down and wrote:
I am happy:
- being in the Dome with Clara
- swimming in the lake
- sitting by the fire (we were allowed campfires this year due to all the rain!)
- watching the sunset with my husband
- reading in the Dome
- designing houses (for I must even if I will never use the designs)
- being clean (I had just come from a swim – there is no running water there)
- listening to the squirrels chatter
- watching the fish jump (the lake is stocked with trout – and because of the rain, even baby trout were born there this year)
- seeing the lake and trees through the Dome window (it was a cool, rainy week)
- being at the lake with no one around (so quiet!)
- eating kale chips I grew and made
Of course, thinking of all these things made me wish I could live like that all the time – but I am thankful for the time we had. Moments… even moments of happiness strong enough that I can sit down and write a list of the things that make me happy.